It’s finally here! Season 21 of The Bachelor returned Monday night with three-time loser at love Nick Viall hoping the fourth time’s the charm as he finally gets a chance at the helm of the flagship Bachelor wheel. Nick is a bit different than most Bachelors, and not just because this is his fourth appearance in the Bachelor universe. See, unlike, say, last year’s Ben Higgins who you just kind of assume looks like a Ken doll below the belt, this guy f*cks.
Nick appeared on both seasons 10 and 11 of The Bachelorette, making it to the fantasy suite and finishing as runner-up both times. It was during his appearance in the season 10 finale that Nick established himself as sort of a villain by revealing on live TV that Bachelorette Andi Dorfman had in fact, done the deed in the fantasy suite — a cardinal Bachelor faux pas. He later had sex with season 11 Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe after weaseling his way back on the show halfway through the season, which likewise didn’t win him many fans — all this before carrying on yet another relationship on the most recent season of Bachelor in Paradise. Nick has bedded many women on television, but he also had sex with one of the contestants this season before it even started. (More on that in a bit.)
This is all why one contestant, a 23-year-old mental health counselor named Taylor, told Nick after exiting the limo, “Before coming, all my girlfriends were like, ‘No! He’s a complete piece of sh*t.'” Well, she’s not totally wrong, but at the very least this already has the makings of one fantastic season of reality trash television. Speaking of, here are the highlights from last night’s premiere as we met the 30 women with low self esteem vying for Nick’s heart.
Too Many Red Dresses
Stacey: Probably the worst problem you can have as a Bachelor contestant (other than someone sneaking Ex-Lax into the Chardonnay) is not being able to set yourself apart from the crowd. Several women experienced this in the premiere episode because apparently some unofficial memo went out that everybody was supposed to wear a red dress. Suffice to say, the women wearing red didn’t take this well, while all of the other women gloated that they had the foresight to not wear a red dress. Just look at those ladies up there. Look at their faces. This is probably the biggest humiliation they have ever suffered in their entire lives.
Liz, The Vegas Doula
Brian: A few things you need to know about Liz, the Vegas doula
– She met Nick once before.
– “Met” in the biblical sense, as the two of them hit it off at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and proceeded to have sex that night.
– Liz starts out by being coy about what happened, saying of their hookup “That depends how you define that term. I plead the Fifth,” then turning around not 10 minutes later and telling us they had sex.
– Liz would be a bad witness at a trial.
– Nick 100 percent did not have any idea who she was when she showed up for the limo introduction, and only realized who she was when Chris Harrison — solid dude, Chris — tipped him off later, before everyone went into the house.
– Nick totally took credit for recognizing her, like “Oh yeah, of course I knew it was you,” which I think Chris Harrison would be okay with.
– Nick apparently asked for her number at the wedding and got shot down, and left his number for her and never got a call, which makes Liz’s motivations for wanting him now a weeee bit suspicious. (RIGHT REASONS ALERT.)
– Nick is pissed
– There should be a TV show called Vegas Doula.
I think that about covers it.
Jami, the Balls Lady
Stacey: As usual, there were some horribly misguided introduction tactics this premiere. One such trainwreck tricked us into thinking that The Bachelor had done something super progressive by casting the first trans contestant in Jami, who approached Nick and said: “I definitely watched your journey, you’ve been through a lot, and I really give it to you, you have some balls… And, so do I.”
Jami then proceeded to “gracefully” pull a septum piercing out of her nose, to literally the biggest relief I have ever seen on a man’s face on reality television.
Nothing Says Love Like A Gross Cold Hot Dog
Brian: Good news and bad news for Josephine. The good: She came out of the limo for her introduction and opened up a book to reveal a cold hot dog inside, which she explained by saying “You’re a wiener in my book.” A weak joke? Yes. Corny? Sure. Sexually suggestive in an unconventional way? Of course. But there’s a very low bar to clear with these intros, so this would’ve been fine, if not for…
The bad: She suggested they Lady and the Tramp the hot dog. It was weird. And not sexy at all. And probably not the first impression you want to make when wooing someone, forcing them to bite into a cold hot dog as they stare into your eyes from three inches away.
You were so close, Josephine. You were so close.
Is This A Dolphin Or A Shark
Stacey: Alexis from Secaucus, New Jersey, one of the many self-professed dolphin lovers this season, says in her introduction segment that Nick “needs to love dolphins or this isn’t gonna work out.” Unfortunately Alexis doesn’t seem to know what the hell a dolphin even is, when she shows up in what is clearly a shark costume — a fact that is pointed out to her by many of her fellow contestants and Nick, several times. “I was gonna wear a red dress too,” Alexis says upon arrival at the mansion. “Thank God I didn’t.” Yes, thank God for that!
Since Alexis claims to be an aspiring dolphin trainer in her title, it would probably be good at some point to learn that dolphins don’t breathe through gills (which are prominently featured on her “dolphin” costume) because they’re not fish, but through a blowhole like all aquatic mammals.
Brian: I hope she wears this costume every day until she wins or gets sent home, if only to see if she eventually snaps and attacks the 500th person to ask her why she’s “in a shark costume.” Lean in hard, I say.
We’ve All Been There
Brian: When Chris brought out the First Impression rose and set it on the table, everyone started freaking out, as Bachelor contestants are known to do. But the best freak-out award goes to Taylor, who said the following, which I love dearly: “It’s scary. My heart is in my ass now.”
I… I think that’s bad? I don’t know, actually. Maybe that’s where she keeps it to keep it from getting hurt? Seems impractical. Anyway, good luck, Taylor!
We Found The Crazy One This Season
Stacey: The super aggressive and intense blonde from the first promo for this season has now been revealed to be Corrine, a 24-year-old who works for her family’s alleged multi-million dollar business, who describes herself as a “very serious businesswoman.” Corrine also describes herself in a preview for the upcoming season by saying, “My heart is gold but my vagine is platinum,” which tells us all we probably need to know about Corrine. It’s almost as if a science lab combined Lace and Olivia from Ben’s season.
Corrine quickly establishes her dominance over the other 29 women by pulling Nick aside not once, but twice, being the first to make out with him. I already can’t wait until Corrine gets left on an island somewhere.
Who’s Baby Is This?
Brian: A conversation that probably took place at some point prior to this episode:
“Hi, I’m Danielle, your neo-natal nurse.”
“Is my baby okay?”
“Oh, we’ll check everything out in one second. But first, would you mind if we filmed the visit? You’ll just have to sign a release.”
“Um, I guess. What’s it for? A training video?”
“Uh, no.”
“The news?”
“No.”
“Well, what then?”
“I need it for my introduce package for when a I appear as a contestant on The Bachelor, a popular reality show in which I will compete with 29 other wine-slugging women for the heart of a walking mayonnaise sandwich, possibly making a fool of myself in front of millions in the process.”
“Ahh. Well sure.”
“Okay, let’s examine that sick baby.”
Hey, Look! A Camel!
Brian: Lacey rode up to the mansion like Aladdin doing his Prince Ali schtick for the sole purpose of using the intro line “I heard you like a good hump,” which is actually pretty fun and theatrical, and even kind of subtle as far as Bachelor innuendo goes, especially when you consider that Haley went with “Do you know what the girl wearing underwear says? Me neither.”
But the best part of this wasn’t even Haley or her joke. It was that the other contestants were soooo jealous of the camel idea. Raven, our four-wheeler-ridin’, gun-shootin’ Razorback even said “Why didn’t I think of a camel?” A good question to ask yourself in any situation.
First Impression Rose Diversity!
Stacey: Hey, so we may not have gotten our first trans contestant, but Nick made progress by awarding the first impression rose — which protects a contestant from elimination — to Rachel, a gorgeous and intelligent 31-year-old African American attorney, who… I’m not exactly sure why she’s on this show, honestly. But hey, at least it wasn’t Corrine! Good job, Nick.
