The queens of New York are returning to Comedy Central on Wednesday when Broad City starts its third season. As Abbi and Ilana strive to be functioning adults living in the Big Apple, we can laugh at, but also learn from, their mistakes. Still, between the easiest and most organic transportation of weed (the vagina, obviously) and the best way to hack the consignment shop (selling someone else’s nicer clothes, of course), you may actually learn a valuable lesson or two about modern survival. With that in mind, let’s take a look at some of the most helpful life hacks that can be gleaned from the first two seasons of Broad City.
Never tell the creepy locksmith which apartment is yours.
We’ve all made Craigslist mistakes. The number one rule of shady deals is always meet in a public place. However, when you’ve forgotten your keys, the locksmith has to come to your place. There’s no way around it. But, if that locksmith is a bonafide creep, having him break into your neighbor’s apartment instead might seem like the better option. Apologize to your neighbor later, live to fight another day.
Don’t go to Whole Foods when you’re high on pain pills.
After getting your wisdom teeth removed, you’ll be high as hell and on top of the world. The effects of the drugs may be temporary, but you will probably experience the misguided confidence and muddled problem solving necessary to make some very bad decisions. To save yourself from yourself, enlist a friend to watch you like a hawk. If that fails, do not go into Whole Foods. No matter what Bingo Bronson says, you cannot afford it and you do not need hearts of palm. No one ever needs hearts of palm.
Ball out when you can, because it won’t happen often.
Life in the city can be hard when you’re a twenty-something, so be sure to take advantage of those moments when you’re flush with cash. Whether it’s a big paycheck or a parent-funded birthday dinner, that is your time to live large. It probably won’t happen for a long while, so enjoy it while you can. Go all in on that seafood dinner, my friend.
Don’t give up on your dreams at work.
Poor Abbi just wants to be a trainer, despite any exceptional physical prowess or talent. Instead of being in front of a class, she’s stuck cleaning revolting bathrooms and the remnants of machine users past. Still, she never gives up, toiling away every day to reach her goals. This is a great example of paying your dues; sometimes you have to do sh*tty jobs to reach the top. Or you can just follow Ilana’s example and create an intern army to do your job for you. Either way.
Always read the fine print.
There is nothing as crushing as finding out that what you thought was an accomplishment was really absolutely nothing, and a footnote at best. In order to avoid your own sandwich artist fiasco, always explore your options from every angle. That way, if you’re going to hang your art in a sandwich shop, you will, at least, pick a sandwich shop that uses meat.
Don’t let your roommate’s boyfriend move in.
Everyone should have the privilege to dance around their apartment naked. It is truly one of life’s greatest pleasures. However, if your roommate’s freeloading significant other is there 24/7, eating your food and using your wifi, your naked dancing time will be cut to nil. Time to tell the squatter to pay rent or get lost.
Remember: Bed Bath & Beyond coupons never expire.
To go to Bed Bath & Beyond is to stand on the precipice of a better, more adult life. Who knew that you needed so many things in which to put your other things? As you’re sorting through the ephemera that are your current possessions, the key to upgrading is the BB&B coupon. Those bad boys never expire, and they are the key to the wonder mop or colander of your dreams.
Don’t have sex with your doppleganger.
I know. It seems appealing at first. Who doesn’t want to have sex with themselves? However, things are sure to take a turn from the mind-blowing to the uncanny valley really quickly. It’s not them, it’s you. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Either way, things will go from sexy to weird (and not in the good way) every time, so it’s best to just leave that stone unturned.
Going off the grid is a terrible idea.
As much as we all would like to throw off the shackles of modern communication and living intentionally, that is just an impossibility now. We don’t have the skills to survive life with that kind of doubt. Sure, we’d like to think that we would read more or write letters, but in reality, we would end up in the bottom of a hole, hallucinating about Taye Diggs giving us our groove back, with no phone to call for help.
Never admit to being the pooper.
From time to time, you may find yourself in a dilemma that plagues us all: to poop or not to poop? It adds an uncomfortable layer to our social interactions, but sometimes it is just inevitable. When things get dire (like in a blackout), the best way you can handle it is deny, deny, deny. Especially if the poop winds up in someone’s shoe. There’s no way you can come back from that if found out.
