As if producing an original movie titled Whiskey Business that starred Pauly Shore as a Jersey Shore-esque child of a mob boss who single-handedly saved a troubled backwoods Southern town by creating a designer moonshine called “Fruitshine” wasn’t enough to win my heart forever, CMT just went ahead a greenlighted some of most ridiculous sounding shows I have ever come across. Hand to God, these are the network’s actual descriptions:
REDNECK INTERVENTION – Each week a former redneck is confronted by friends and family members that believe he or she should return to their country roots, in this one-hour, eight-episode reality series.
CHAINSAW GANG – As featured in a new 10-episode reality series, Stacy Poitras leads a rag-tag bunch of the country’s premiere chainsaw artists who battle blades breaking, chainsaws bursting into flames and agitating each other as they manage to deliver incredible works of art—and a really good time.
FULL METAL RACKET – FULL METAL RACKET follows three generations of the Sumner family who run Knob Creek Gun Range, their family owned business in Knob Creek, Kentucky. At Knob Creek Gun Range, it’s up to the Sumner family to keep things running smoothly as customers use, try out and even purchase and sell weapons across a broad spectrum of firearms — from a cannon to a machine gun. They can even blow up whatever they bring to the range.
Holy Hell, they’re perfect. Every single one of them. It’s been over a year since I did one of my incredibly stupid posts full of TV pitches, and this is why. How can I possibly top these? I mean, the least ludicrous sounding show on that list is Chainsaw Gang, and that one prominently features CHAINSAWS BURSTING INTO FLAMES. I can’t compete with that. Best to just sit back and leave it to the professionals.
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