The last time I felt this disappointed in a series was maybe the first season finale of The Killing: It just feels like such a waste, and I cannot stress how little it seems that the Dexter writing staff seems to give a damn. They have had no interest in writing a compelling final season. They, like everyone involved, seem like they just want to get it over with, and that they are as bored with the show as the audience has become. Last night’s episode was the fourth to last of the series, and and it felt like the middle episode of the fifth season. Did you know that the head writer on Dexter used to be the Melissa Rosenberg? The woman who wrote the Twilight screenplays rose to head writer and left after the fourth season, and it’s been downhill ever since. Think about that. The show was better with the writer of Breaking Dawn running the writer’s room.
Here’s what we learned from this week’s sad episode of Dexter.
1. Dexter so totally loves Hannah. He said so. Out loud. In the most cringe-inducing kind of way. SERIAL KILLER DON’T SAY I LOVE YOU. In fact, Dexter is so smitten with Hannah that he’s decided to uproot Harrison and move with Hannah to Argentina and start a new life. Awww.
2. But Hannah is a Broke-Ass Serial Killer. Before Dexter convinced her to say at the end of the last episode, Hannah had packed a bag and was all ready to hightail it to another country. However, after Dexter convinced her to stay behind, Hannah suddenly realized, I guess, that she needed the $500,000 her old pal Arline had hidden away in the closet for her. Why? Probably because adding a scene where Hannah would have to go fetch the money would pad the episode another five minutes. Arlene has cleaned up nicely, by the way.
3. Roscoe P. Coltrane is in Hot Pursuit. Meanwhile, U.S. Marshall Cooper (The Shield’s Kenny Johnson) is in pursuit of Hannah McKay, having been put on her trail by Debra’s douchebag boss, who is being even more of a douchebag now that Debra is not showing any romantic interest in him. Also, because Debra is terrible at her job. Anyway, the Marshall knows that Hannah and Dexter once dated, and he has his suspicions that Dexter is hiding her, suspicions that were nearly confirmed when Harrison almost blew it for Dexter by revealing to the U.S. Marshall that he wants Hannah to be his mommy. God, Harrison: You are such a collossal f**k-up.
4. Debra Wants to Be Five-0 Again. Batista even offered Debra her badge, but she has to think about it because, you know, she has a conflict of interest in the fact that her brother is a serial killer. Oh, that? Whatever.
By the way, didn’t Batista come back because of LaGuerta’s murder? He’s just going to let that go, huh?
5. Debra and Hannah are like, Totally BFFs. Well, not exactly, but Hannah is hiding out at Debra’s place, and Debra is even eating Hannah’s meals without fear of poison. So, progress! These two are gonna be like sisters by the finale. SISTERS WHO MAKE OUT. No, but really: I wouldn’t put it past this show at this point. Debra, Dexter, and Hannah in a polyamorous situation raising Harrison. It takes a village. OF SERIAL KILLERS.