Fargo returns for its third season on April 19. This is pretty good news because Fargo has been a pretty good show through its first two seasons. And this season looks promising, provided creator Noah Hawley and company can find a way to continue being inventive and quirky and fun yet another time. Because Fargo, to date, has very much been all of those things. It has also been, to date, violent. So very violent. People get murdered on this show constantly, often in graphic and/or surprising ways. Main characters, even, which is one of the nice — “nice” — things about doing a limited series. Everyone’s gone at the end of the season, anyway. No need to keep them around in the context of the show. Don’t get attached, is my point.
And so with that in mind, I thought I’d take what we have so far — character descriptions and promo images, basically, although the vague teasers have been fun — and try to figure out who’s making it out of this sucker. My reasoning is both ironclad and based on nothing beyond 30 seconds of thought.
This is Chief Gloria Burgle, played by Leftovers star Carrie Coon. Gloria Burgle is such a great name, for anyone, but especially for a cop. Her last name is one of the things she is trying to prevent and/or solve. It’s like if your doctor was named Penelope Norovirus, or if your landscaper was named Stan Weeds. I love this. The main cop — your assorted Solversons — has survived the season in the first two iterations of Fargo, which, while not a definitive predictor of the future, is certainly something to consider.
Gloria Burgle will probably not get murdered.
This is Emmit Stussy (right) and Sy Feltz (left), played by Ewan McGregor and Michael Stuhlbarg, respectively. You probably know Ewan McGregor from, uh, being Ewan McGregor, and you might recognize Stuhlbarg as Arnold Rothstein from Boardwalk Empire, but with a mustache now. (“But with a mustache now” is one of my favorite phrases.) Emmit Stussy is, in an extremely Fargo development, described as “the parking lot king of Minnesota.” I had never ever considered the concept of state-by-state parking lot royalty. Imagine what the parking lot king of Florida looks like. That’s a fun visual.
Emmit Stussy and Sy Feltz will both probably get murdered.
This is David Thewlis as V.M. Varga. Varga is described in the press materials as “a true capitalist,” which, spoilers, kind of, is code for “a criminal.” He is a lot of fun. But criminals, especially the big ones who get solo promotional images before the season starts, no matter how much fun they are, have not fared well thus far on Fargo. Rest in peace, Lorne Malvo, among others.
V.M. Varga will probably get murdered.
This is Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Nikki Swango. Nikki Swango is:
- a recent parolee
- a competitive bridge player
- my favorite name of any television character, maybe ever
She also owns an extremely dope fur coat, apparently. But shady criminal-types with a passion for gambling are not usually the types of people who survive a season of Fargo, so even though it breaks my heart into a million pieces, the realist in me knows…
Nikki Swango will probably get murdered.
This is Ewan McGregor as Ray Stussy. Ray Stussy is Emmit’s deadbeat parole officer brother. You can tell he’s a deadbeat because of his mustache and hair. “Starting to go bald but still rocking long hair in the back” is an extremely deadbeat look, especially when accompanied by a mustache. I mean, look at him. Would you let that guy borrow your car, even just to move furniture into a new apartment? Even for an hour? I wouldn’t. No way. Not with that hair.
Ray Stussy will probably get murdered.
This is Emmit and Sy meeting with V.M. Varga. The meeting appears to be going poorly, based in part on Sy’s face and in part on everything that has happened in the first two seasons of this show. Meetings on Fargo rarely go “well.” It would be a trip if one did. Like someone walks into someone else’s office and says “I won the Powerball!” and the other person goes “Cool! Can we go live in a luxury yacht off the coast of Ibiza?” and the first person is like “Yup!” and then they live happily in Ibiza for the rest of the season. Like if Fargo suddenly turned into Taradise for a season. Remember Taradise? The travel show starring Tara Reid? No? Just me? Cool.
All of these guys will probably get murdered.
This is Gloria Burgle and Nikki Swango walking past each other on what appears to be a ramp entrance for some building. Probably the police station, if I had to guess. If Gloria Burgle kills Nikki Swango, it will tear me apart in ways I’d prefer not to think about. Although I guess if she kills Nikki Swango in a legitimate act of policing, it wouldn’t be a “murder,” technically. And now that I think about it, Nikki Swango might fall under a policy I just created called “The Peggy Blumquist Rule,” where her dreams and boundless ambition cause a number of murders, but she somehow survives. Hmm. This has given me much to ponder. Okay, let’s try this…
Gloria Burgle will still not get murdered, probably, for reasons discussed above, and Nikki Swango will still probably get killed, and maybe murdered, depending on who is responsible and why, and it will still break my heart no matter the circumstances, unless she doesn’t, which is possible. I think I’ve stated my position on this clearly.
This is V.M. Varga walking with his henchmen, Yuri and Meemo. Those henchmen are goners. Henchmen never survive, with the exclusion, I suppose, of Rocksteady and Bebop from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But even then, one day someone will make an R-rated TMNT and then it’ll be curtains for them. “Henchman” is basically a job and a pre-existing condition.
Hey, wanna hear a fun little Fargo fact? V.M. Varga was called “V.M. Vargas” in the original press materials,” but then about a week ago FX sent out an email titled “FARGO – important updates,” and the first one read, in full: “The spelling of the last name of the character played by David Thewlis has been changed from ‘Vargas’ to “’VARGA.’” I choose to believe this was a decision that was debated about for a month.
Anyway, V.M. will still probably get murdered. Yuri and Meemo will definitely get murdered. I would bet my parents’ house on it.
This is a pictiure of Gloria Burgle in a darkened living room. It presents a conundrum. Because everything we know — or think we know — about the character and show seem to imply she will survive, but darkened rooms are bad news. Always. When you’re fully dressed, at least. This looks ominous. Could… could Gloria Burgle get murdered? Now I’m thinking she might. Let’s go with this…
Every character in season three of Fargo will get murdered, except for Gloria Burgle, unless she dies in this darkened room, in which case Nikki Swango will survive, because someone has to and it definitely won’t be those henchmen, although it would be hilarious if they did, and I guess we can’t really rule it out with this show because a freaking alien spaceship descended into a motel parking lot last season, so who’s to say, like, Bigfoot won’t just run out in the season finale this year and kill everyone but Yuri and then Yuri uses the opportunity to take over as the new parking lot king of Minnesota?
Could happen. Although then I’d have to have a pretty awkward conversation with my parents about their house…