The third season of TNT’s Franklin & Bash debuted last night, and while I was plenty excited to have history’s greatest shortbro/tallbro lawyer team back in my life for another summer, there was one thing about the back-to-back episodes that was a huge letdown, and we need to talk about it: THEIR NEW BEACH HOUSE DOESN’T HAVE A HOT TUB. This simply will not do. How the hell are Franklin and Bash supposed to be Franklin & Bash without a hot tub? Where are they supposed to entertain clients? Or strippers? Or stripper clients? That thing was a vital part of the show. And when they mentioned that the house didn’t have a hot tub, their boss opened up the patio doors to show the ocean as a replacement. THE OCEAN?! No. No no no. I won’t stand for it. Taking away Franklin and Bash’s hot tub is like taking away the Fonz’s leather jacket or making Ron Swanson shave his mustache. It changes everything.
I mean, sure, the guys still lost a bet and ended up butt-naked on CNN within the first five minutes of the premiere. And yeah, the first episode featured them defending a famous magician by pulling the old Parent Trap-twin-switcheroo and doing magic tricks during their closing argument, and it ended with the magician autographing a fan’s boobs in a crowded bar. And fine, there was still a scene where their germaphobe assistant turned on a blacklight in a hotel room and there were giant semen stains like eight feet up on the walls, presumably as a result of a conversation months earlier that included the words “Bro. BRO. Twenty bucks say I can shoot my jizz higher than the light switch.” And okay, their weasel co-worker did willingly post a video on the Internet of him jacking it during a sleep study, because he accidentally emailed it to a judge back in the first season and Heather Locklear convinced him it would be better to get the scandal out now rather than when he’s running for judge in the future. And all right, there was also a scene where Bash tried to woo a foxy Australian lady by inviting her to come see his “huge deck” and she replied “Deck size doesn’t really impress me,” which is funny because “deck” sounds like “dick” and you are welcome for the explanation. And there were still multiple scenes where they threw parties where guests drank out of red Solo cups, and they drank Coors Light at work, and their boss gave them a huge sword just because, and the “Next week on…” promo at the end of the show opened with Heather Locklear making out with Jane Seymour (who plays Bash’s mom), etc. etc. etc.
But come on, no hot tub? Total bullsh*t.