'Game Of Thrones' Death Watch: For The Love Of God, Khaleesi, Zig Zag!

The Game of Thrones Death Watch is a weekly roundup of who died and who looks like they might be headed for death, written by me, a person who has not read the books and will go a long, long way to make a very stupid joke. This is what we’re doing here. This is not science. Please do not yell at me

Season 7, Episode 4 – “The Spoils of War”

Who Died This Week?

A whole mess of people

Much has been written about the dragon carnage at the end of this episode. So very much. Understandably so. It’s something that has been promised to us since the three scaly little bastards hatched and, while we’ve gotten little teases so far with random goats and a pit filled with potential assassins, this is the first time we really, truly saw a full-grown one in battlefield action. It was glorious.

But since so much has already been said about it, and since I have very little to add to the discussion that could be considered helpful or useful in any way, allow me to present these four screencaps, with no further analysis.

I really must insist that you watch this show with the captions on. It adds a whole extra level to things.

“Screaming continues.”

Accurate.

Qyburn’s big stupid crossbow

It has been brought to my attention a number of times now that a big stupid crossbow has actually killed a dragon before. Apparently someone shot an arrow through a dragon’s eye once upon a time and the dragon died and that’s why Qyburn built this one. Ugh. Whatever. Fine. I still think it’s stupid. Just because someone pulled off one miraculous shot one time does not mean a big dumb crossbow is the best way to kill a dragon. That would be like if a football team won a game with a Hail Mary as the clock ran out and then decided that they should just run Hail Marys every play in the next game. Wait. Hold on. That would be kind of awesome. Let’s go with… a different example. That I will think of… later.

In any event, I consider myself validated completely because the dummy made it out of wood and now it’s just a pile of smoking embers.

Fire burns wood. Dragons breathe fire. Don’t make your dragon-killing superweapon out of wood. Do throw lots of Hail Marys, though. I would like to see that. Thanks.

Who Might Die?

Jaime

Yeah, no. Jaime Lannister is not dead. Obviously. I know the episode ended with him in full body armor sinking like a rock into the black abyss of a what appears to be the deepest river in all of Westeros, but no. Nope. There are a million reasons why I believe this, some related to the actual plot of the show, but mostly just because you don’t save a character from a head-on dragonfire death only to drown him in a freaking creek. That would be awful.

Can I be honest with you guys for a second here? I kind of wish Jaime had died in that blast of flames. It’s not that I’m rooting for his death, in general. He’s not, like, Ramsay or anything. It’s just that, man, that would have been some kind of way to go, right? Charging full speed at a wounded dragon with your spear out only to get roasted in a speeding wall of fire? Definitely better than getting poisoned. I mean, probably. I’ve never been poisoned. It doesn’t seem great, though.

What I’m saying here is please don’t poison me.

Bronn

Very few moments in the history of television have left me as conflicted as Bronn going head-to-head with a dragon. I was so torn. Because on one hand, Bronn is the best. Just the greatest. He’s probably my favorite character on the show right now despite being aligned with the side we’re supposed to be actively rooting against. I could watch him grunt and make dismissive comments about everyone on the show for an entire episode. I would watch an entire series about him and Mike from Better Call Saul just driving around New Mexico. Time traveling Bronn. Bronn trying to use an iPhone. There’s your damn spinoff, HBO.

But on the other hand, dragons.

So you can see the dilemma here. I haven’t been this torn since Raylan Givens faced off with Wynn Duffy on Justified. I have a lot to think about.

Littlefinger

Did you see the look Arya shot Littlefinger after sparring with Brienne? The one where he was up on the balcony and she just stared at him with her face so perfectly still that I thought for a second that my TV froze? The one he responded to with an awkward nod and smile before scurrying the hell away from the terrifying teenage assassin who just battled to a draw with a legendary knight who is twice her size? This one?

Yeah. Between this and Sansa’s dismissive attitude toward him the other week and Bran repeating back his “Chaos is a ladder” line, things are not going great for Littlefinger at Winterfell. His allies are disappearing quick. He’s still a total cockroach — I say this as a compliment, kind of — so we can never really count him out, I guess, but people who Arya looks at like that do not tend to last very long these days.

Dickon

Freaking Dickon. In maybe the most shocking moment of the entire episode, which is saying something considering the episode ended with 15 consecutive minutes of dragon-related destruction, Dickon managed to be something other than a huge zero in battle. I honestly can’t believe he survived. I was sure he would get toasted. I was so sure. Although now that I think about it, we never really had a real reason to assume that. This was the first time we actually saw him in action. I think it’s just the name. Dickon. I heard that and immediately assumed he was a doof. Imagine naming a child Dickon. Jesus Christ, Randyll. You could have named him anything. You could have named him Blade. That was an option. Think this through, my man.

Anyway, I still refuse to believe this kid makes it out of this season alive, if only because they’ll probably be killing off more name characters before shutting things down and he’s an extremely easy one to lose. Either that or he ends up on the Iron Throne, which I just now considered and want more than anything, for the hilarity of it alone. King Dickon, first of his name.

A dragon?

KHALEESI

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DID RICKON’S DEATH TEACH US NOTHING?

WHY ARE YOU FLYING STRAIGHT INTO THE CROSSBOW?

YOU CAN FLY ANYWHERE

YOU CAN ZIG ZAG

YOU CAN TAKE EVASIVE MANEUVERS

YOU CAN GO SERPENTINE

YOU ARE LITERALLY ON A SERPENT

I THINK

ARE DRAGONS SERPENTS?