“Second Sons” is an episode that works better as a part of a greater whole. I’ve long believed that the ideal way to watch Game of Thrones is in one marathon session, which takes away the fun of bitching about how BORING Theon is, but it makes everything seem more cohesive. “Second,” for instance, is yet another set piece mover, one that’s necessary for the final two episodes of the season, but for right now, feels slightly lackluster.
Outside of (you knew this was coming) watching Peter Dinklage get his Drunklage on, a scene that belongs in the Smithsonian and deserves EVERY Emmy. It’s not often that Game stays on a story for as long as it did his nuptials with Sansa, but when it does, it tends to make everything else going on around it feel less by comparison (hence the brilliance of never cutting away during the Blackwater Battle). There are check-ins on Arya and the Hound, Melisandre with Davos and Gendry, and Daenerys, but nothing can quite match up to the Red Wine Wedding. Even Sam the Slayer’s origin story, which should have come weeks ago, was misplaced and as hurried as Sam running away from his cabin in the woods with Gilly and Not-Craster, leaving the Dragonglass behind.
But enough about that: let’s talk about boobs. And penis. And nudity in general. Certain folks ’round the Internet have been, well, not quite complaining about Game of Thrones‘ ample use of nudity, because the people who whine about too much nudity are the kind of people who don’t watch Game of Thrones, but wish it was used more effectively. Don’t show boobs just ’cause you can, they argue; show boobs because it matters to the scene. Today’s GIF of Thrones is for them: each section begins with “Could This Scene Have Been Improved by Nudity?,” which one would assume would always be answered “YES,” but you, hypothetical pervert, would be wrong.
Could This Scene Have Been Improved by Nudity? Oh, dear god no. Where to begin? I know: Arya’s, like, 10 years old, Sandor is now the Stark’s Guardian Watch Dog, and I immediately regret using this gimmick. I’m tempted to mention the Hound saying Joffrey and Cersei to f*ck themselves, but that might be exactly what the Lannisters are into, so instead, if you rewatch this scene, please notice the smile that sneaks its way onto Arya’s face. (Via)
Could This Scene Have Been Improved by Nudity? There’s plenty more Baratheon buffness later on in the episode, so no, although Davos has such a deep, majestic voice, he could read excerpts from Farrah Abraham’s sex tape and it would sound like dialogue written by the gods themselves. Anyway, Stannis rescued the Onion Knight from his underground library, er, prison cell, because he has doubts about Melisandre’s plan to kill Gendry for his sweet, succulent Baratheon blood. He’s also rethinking his full conversion to the Lord of the Light Side, but not enough that he doesn’t mind walking in on Melisandre bedding his nephew, tearing leeches from his stomach and c*ck to quite literally drain his power. Balon, Robb, and Joffrey better watch out. (Via)
Could This Scene Have Been Improved by Nudity? Nope. There’s already enough incest as is. (Via)
Could This Scene Have Been Improved by Nudity? It’d be tough for there to be more nudity. (Via)
Could This Scene Have Been Improved by Nudity? Never. Joffrey is a comically evil character, but Jack Gleeson plays him with just the right amount of smarmy, slimy menace; in another actor’s less-than-capable hands, Joffrey wouldn’t seem threatening, just ridiculous. But Jack and his snake face…*shudder* (Via)
Could This Scene Have Been Improved by Nudity? “Well,” Loras muttered to himself, as his bride-to-be stubbornly walked away, as cold as the margarita he wishes he was drinking, “I WAS going to tell you this really kinky thing Jaime’s totally into, but not anymore.” Also, no. His sister and Cersei isn’t the threesome he’s interested in. (Via)
Could This Scene Have Been Improved by Nudity? YUP. “What else I can possibly do to earn your respect, father?” Tyrion was swimming in red and seeing stars, but he knew he had to soldier on, even though he could barely walk. “Do you…do you not think I know how to please a lady, that somehow my manhood is less? If that’s true, like father, like son.” Tywin had heard enough. “If you say one more word,” he hissed, but before he could finish his threat, Tyrion stood up on his chair and wobbly ripped his pants off (his stripper past finally proved useful, though now was not the time to regale the kingdom with such tales). “There it is,” he yelled, for all to hear, “my fullman.” The crowd gasped, women fainted, and Tyrion was elected king right on the spot. (Via)
Could This Scene Have Been Improved by Nudity? No, because the way Dinklage wraps his mouth around the word “cock” (phrasing) should be taught in every acting class. (Via)
Could This Scene Have Been Improved by Nudity? Ser Jorah wishes. (Via)
Could This Scene Have Been Improved by Nudity? Mero wishes, too. (Via)
Could This Scene Have Been Improved by Nudity? See? But Mero’s got his lovely slave girl back waiting for him amongst the Yunkai, and she (as a concept) partially leads to his eventual downfall at the hands of the dreamy Daario. They and Prendahl na Ghezn are members of the Second Sons, a mercenary group (not to be confused with the seemingly nonexistent Stormcrows), and while they all want the same things — money, a good fight, and a good pair of tits — they go about acquiring these things in different ways. Daario believes there’s nothing better than a woman choosing to have sex with you, not a hired prostitute being paid to hop into your bed. Mero disagrees on not only that, but also Daario’s refusal to murder Khaleesi. Fisticuffs are had, heads are placed into bags, and Daario’s ready for his life to be improved by nudity. (Via)
Could This Scene Have Been Improved by Nudity? Let me check my English-to-Dothraki translator: sek. (Via)
Could This Scene Have Been Improved by Nudity? “And now, Gilly, it’s time I slay you.” (Via)Subscribe to UPROXX