Jeans. We all wear them. But they’re just not the same anymore. The just don’t, well, make jeans like they used to anymore, like they did in the “good ole days.” Further, jeans have been emasculated — de-balled, if you will — largely by Obama and his mom jeans, of course, but also by YOU. Do you think God or Jesus or the Founding Fathers would get caught dead wearing any of the jeans in your closet, jeans designed by gays and made in communist countries? Oh hell no!
What’s to be done? How can we, as a nation, get back to wearing “real American” jeans, jeans that won’t rip in the crotch when mounting a wild stallion while also making the face of every America-hating liberal melt off upon mere sight of them? Enter: Glenn Beck, and “the jeans that built America.”
Yes, Beck, the former Fox News crackpot who now is relegated to spreading his lunacy via the internet and AM radio, has recognized the great American fashion crisis hiding in plain sight and is here to save the day with his hot new clothing line: 1791. In other words, Glenn Beck wants to be the new (more patriotic and manly) Calvin Klein.
From Beck’s website, The Blaze:
Put simply, 1791 is a clothing line with a story to tell, Beck said.
The 1791 theme—the year the Bill of Rights was added to the Constitution—has been in Beck’s mind for few years, said L.J. Herman, who runs Mercury Radio Arts merchandise. But only last January did Beck decide to create a clothing line around it, he added.
The main thrusts of the 1791 line are to remember where we came from as Americans—to revisit that “original blueprint” of our Founding Fathers—and to restore values and efforts that have made America great. The 1791 designs “will be a constant reminder to those that wear it that we are a people of merit,” Beck said, and that maintaining those rights we’ve cherished since 1791 don’t stick around without “great responsibility.”
All net proceeds from 1791 clothing line will fund Beck’s Mercury One nonprofit philanthropic organization, which looks to restore America “one town” at a time.
Translation: “THESE JEANS WILL KICK YOUR ASS, PINKO QUEERS!”
Here’s what apparently is the first commercial for 1791 — “The American Jean” — which Beck narrates himself in his best narrator voice…
And here is Beck talking about the line on his radio show…
Just go ahead and start preparing yourself now to see your dad wearing 1791 jeans when you go home for Thanksgiving this year. It’ll be much easier to handle if you know it’s coming going in.