By far and away, the two worst celebrity chefs on TV are Guy Fieri and Rachael Ray. Sure, Ina Garten is an annoying cow who sequesters herself in the Hamptons so that she doesn’t have to sully her vision with the sight of commoners, but Fieri and Ray are the worst: the least talented, the most annoying. And today on “Rachael Ray,” they announced that they’ll star in a Food Network show TOGETHER called “Guy vs. Rachael’s Celebrity Smackdown.”
Rachael Ray described the new show as “the cooking equivalent of Dancing with the Stars.” Guy Fieri, who called Ray “my sister from another mister,” elaborated: “We’re gonna get some celebrities who are gonna come on the show, with different levels of culinary technique and who are into cooking. Rachael’s gonna get five, I’m gonna get five, and it’s gonna be battle royale.” [via Eater, which also has video]
FIRE. Get me fire so that I may burn it all: the set, the studio, and most especially the hosts. And when I’m done we shall all rejoice in their immolation and grow stronger and wiser in their absence and feast upon their corpses, which will taste sweeter than anything they ever cooked, forever and ever, amen.
The only redeemable things on Food Network star Alton Brown. The rest is a big shit sandwich drenched in a Wasabi-chipotle-mango-chutney-locally sourced batch of EVOO.
I’m pretty sure that if they had sex, the Cloverfield monster would come screaming out of Rachel Ray’s vajayjay.
Just once I want Guy Feiri to take a bite of something and say, “Well that fucking sucks.” Everything can’t be “bananas” and “money”!
*SPROING*
Oh don’t mind that. That’s my murder boner popping up from envisioning that scene in my head.
Thats got Kathy Griffin allllllll over it. Why don’t they just assemble some celebrities and give ’em instruments and call themselves Whitesnake 2? Because I wouldn’t watch that either.
Rachel Ray has the build of a extra small Jerome Bettis (or Natrone Means). He is a giant box shape. She is a small box shape. Seriously, check out her neck/shoulder area.
Not going to lie, “sister from another mister” made me want to punch a hole through my desk
She’s your sister from another mister because your mother’s a whore.
The phrase “Sister from another mister” is exactly what I would expect Guy Fieri to use. Not a guy like him–just him. The douchiest phrase for the douchiest possible creature. It encapsulates all the loathing I have when I see his stupid face.
+1 to all those above me; Guy/Rachael hate is even better than Paul Reiser hate. Well played, internet.
Bobby, Rachel Ray doesn’t have a vajayjay so she can’t birth much of anything except from crappy recipes in the kitchen.
Fieri, on the other hand, does have one. So all hope is not lost.
good one george
Did he really call her ‘sister from another mister’ without any sense of irony? Jesus Christ.
@Tacos
Sadly, Alton Brown announced he’s ending ‘Good Eats’ on Monday.
I don’t know what everybody’s talking about, Steven Tyler looks great in that picture.
+1 clue.
I think you forgot the end of Guy’s quotation (goatation?) he actually said, “battle royale WITH CHEESE AND DEEP FRIED GOING 100 MPH IN A LAMBO!!” *air fist bomb explodes*
“It tastes like the drainage ditch in Flavor Town, broham!!”
-Guy Fieri on Rachel Ray’s vagina.
@Evan,
Bummer. Is he ok or did her get the “Thinner” gypsy curse?
I wish I had photoshop skills and give Rachel Ray a matching Guy goatee. FUCK YEA BRO, MATCHING GOATEES!!
/fist pound
//with explosion
Hahahaha!! You watch food shows!! Cuz your fat!
I see Guy Fieri is opting for one of his more understated shirts.
I bet he has racing stripes tattooed on his ass.
Now that Osama has been taken care of, I think we have a new operation for Seal Team 6.
+1 to murder boner
Oh that’s just perfect. Just fucking perfect.
*pours lighter fluid on chefs jacket, forms hamburgers for impending cook out.
I’m like…really worried about Danger. I’m assuming he’s already in some kind of assasin/ninja training montage with some sweet Kenny Loggins music.
I’m pretty sure the Modern Family episode where the kids catch Phil and Claire gettin’ their doggy style on made my top 10 list.
/SECRETLY A HUGE PERVERT
Whoops… wrong thread.
And today on “Rachael Ray,” they announced that they’ll star in a Food Network show TOGETHER called “Guy vs. Rachael’s Celebrity Smackdown.”
Alternate title: “Iron Heifers”.
So it’s just Celebrity MasterChief with a different name?
When does the show where Rachel Ray 69’s with Giada come out? Because I’d watch that.
/”watch” = “furiously masturbate”
Yeah, but you can tell Rachel Ray does anal.
This makes fucking sick! +1 for all haters. Sorry I can’t think of anything to say that would match the vindictiveness I feel for these two wastes.