MY LIVING ROOM, Pennsylvania, June 8 — With the nation still in shock over his recent comments, Mark-Paul Gosselaar has reached out to impartial, respected news sources in an attempt to clear up what he feels was a misunderstanding. Earlier in the week, the former “Saved by the Bell” star told a reporter for Yahoo! that the show was “not great,” and that the writing was “kind of hokey.” The resulting uproar sent global markets into a state of flux, and destabilized a number of war-torn areas in Central America and Eastern Europe, leading to countless civilian casualties. Now Gosselaar is claiming his comments were taken out of context in the original report, saying he’s “proud of [the] show” and has “no problem talking about it,” although he still considers the writing to be “cheesy.”
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters this morning that the president is cautiously optimistic that Gosselaar’s clarification will help put an end to the civil unrest around the world. Despite hopes for a nonviolent resolution, however, an unnamed source inside the White House tells us they have not ruled out the possibility of sending in U.S. troops in a peacekeeping role, a move Senate Republicans have called “a unilateral power grab” and a blatant election year stunt. When pressed for comment on this report, Press Secretary Carney would only say that the president is keeping his options open, and will continue to discuss the matter with his advisors.
Despite such high stakes, at least one group seems to be taking the situation in stride. When reached for comment Friday morning, fans of Gosselaar’s newest show (TNT’s “Franklin & Bash”) told us “Bro, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I am so f-cking hungover” and “Seriously, my head is killing me. Thirsty Thursday, bro. I had like 12 vodka Red Bulls.” The hope, according to Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, is that this laid back attitude and freewheeling spending on overpriced mixed drinks will rub off on others, calming tensions across the globe and stimulating the economy in the process. Only time will tell.
Stay tuned to Warming Glow for more updates on this developing story.