Last week UPROXX reader and overall internet gadfly Bobby Big Wheel, an attorney based in New York who doubles as SB Nation’s crack legal analyst, emailed us to say that he was planning on visiting Guy Fieri’s new big douchey restaurant in Times Square — Guy’s American Bar And Kitchen — on opening night with a few friends. He asked if we’d like him to review it for us. Well of course we would, silly! What follows is his dispatch from what, to the surprise of no one, sounds like nothing short of culinary hell. (Photo above via Eater’s Greg Morabito)
A few weeks ago one of my co-workers told me about a hidden gem on 37th street; a man serving authentic Dominican food out of a loading dock. A hearty portion of oxtail, rice and beans, red sauce and a Coke runs about $7, and you wait for your food as hulking delivery men bring packages to the freight elevator. It was both cheap and authentic, a rarity for a New York Midtown lunch, which is dominated by chain fast food joints, reheated deli crap and MSG-laden Chinese. I went there for lunch on Monday and it was delicious.
But for dinner I went 7 blocks north of this loading dock to the heart of Times Square, an area shunned by locals because it teems with slow-walking tourists and overpriced kitsch (we prefer fast-walking New Yorkers and overpriced everything else). I was here for the opening night of Guy Fieri’s 500-seat monstrosity of a new restaurant. Guy’s American Bar and Kitchen is flimsy and garish. The menu is a hodgepodge that appears to be designed by focus group, where Steak Diane (a dish made famous by Julia Child) shares room with Tequila Turkey Fettucine and Sashimi Tacos.
I tried Fieri’s food because I always wondered if there was a real person underneath the frosted tip exterior. Fieri grew up the son of hippie parents and burnished his culinary skills in UNLV’s well-regarded hospitality program. Somewhere along the way he became a mascot for the Middle American lowbrow, and the lawsuit against him paints him as a knuckle-dragging dope. Of course, lawsuits have a way of painting people in a negative light; there had to be some happy medium where Guy could show us that he can run a decent restaurant. Maybe he could prove all of the haters wrong with Guy’s American Bar and Kitchen, showing the coastal elites that he was a legitimate cook.
So I took food and drink experts Rob Iracane and Kris Liakos to Guy’s American Bar and Kitchen on its opening night. We knew that there would be some opening night hiccups but we wanted to be the first to see if Guy was ready for his closeup. He isn’t, and I doubt he ever will be. Check out all the stuff we ate and drank.
Morgan’s Red Ale
Guy teamed up with Heartland Brewery (a New York City chain) on the restaurant so you’d expect good beer and this was no exception, hoppy and balanced, I’d give it 4 out of 5 stars on Untappd. Still, for $7.50 it’s the least that you could expect.
El Jefe Weizen
I’m not much of a Hefeweizen guy but Iracane is and he said this option was good as well. Still, check out that logo on the glass.
South Beach Mojito
Ideally the mojito balances out the rum taste with mintiness and it ends up tasting like a fresher gin and tonic. Guy’s version doesn’t. Instead it uses “Bacardi Artic” (not sure if the spelling error is on purpose) and a blueberry reduction with mint fizz (read: syrup) and a single sprig of mint. It’s overly sweet, like something an Arizona State sorority girl would make for a Sex and the City viewing party.
Caliente Margarita
Another subpar drink. It’s got too many cilantro bits (who puts cilantro bits in a margarita?) in it and lacks depth. It seemed like something you’d drink while you were on a cleanse.
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I always wonder how much input the celebrity chef has in the overall makeup of his restaurant. Did he design it from the ground up himself or was he approached by a restaurant conglomerate about signing some paperwork and having his name attached as cache for a new place? How much involvement did Fieri actually have?
A dump truck full of money.
“I’m not made of stone!!”
Emeril’s in Orlando on the City Walk is also pretty bland, which surprised me at first since I think the things he cooks on his show always sound fantastic. I think the problem is location and the resulting demographic that these restaurants serve. Both are located in big tourist spots and, as a result, you don’t get the most discerning palates. Guy Fieri is a gigantic douche on his tv show, but he knows good food. I doubt that most of what is on this menu, he would serve in his own home.
I’ve eaten at the original Emeril’s (+ Delmonico) and at these “chain” Emeril’s in both Vegas and Orlando. It’s like night and day. I’d like to think he doesn’t have much invested in the spinoffs, but who knows.
Emeril’s eateries days are numbered (except Vegas where they will throw more food away than they sell)look at Jasper White,he did a Vegas sellout and his Flagship Boston restaurant is only serving confused summer tourists….
I would advise against ever ordering something that came with “Donkey sauce.”
Mojitos are my drink of choice, but blueberries in a mojito? No, sir. Not sir. That tells me everything I need to know about the culinary terrorism they’re inflicting on tourists.
Also, ABC Kitchen is amazing. I’ve only been a couple of times, but I’d sell my soul for one of those caramel popcorn sundaes.
If you drink Mojitos,Guys new restaurant sounds perfect for you……
“So I took food and drink experts Rob Iracane and Kris Liakos”
A Walkoff Walk reunion. Baseball!
I am incredibly disappointed that they didn’t split some shrimp.
Bobby Big Wheel is the most Clooney.
If somebody said grace before eating dinner, that whole fucking place would go up in flames.
True, but who in their right mind would ever feel compelled to thank God for having to eat Guy’s food?
True. Actually, the whole city might go up in flames. We Godless New York Liberals are just as flammable as tequila-soaked meats.
As opposed to us flaming California liberals, amirite?
The Olive Garden in Times Square should be concerned, since they’re catering to the exact same clientele. I don’t understand why someone would travel to New York (or any place in the world for that matter) and eat at the same restaurants they can get back home.
because they know what they’re getting.
it’s sad, but true.
Yes, and yes.
Don’t forget Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. “Hey, ma! Just like in the movin’ picture!”
I live in Philly and with all the culinary diversity large cities have to offer, I don’t understand why anyone — tourist or resident — would eat at a chain restaurant in a major city. A guy I know recently checked in to the Center City Olive Garden on Facebook and I actually thought less of him, as if he made a racist slur or something.
Anyone who lives in NY, NJ or Philly and eats at any chain Italian restaurant should be given a one way ticket to Hoffaville. There are more fantastic Italian joints, from local pizza to five star, in that area than any place not in Italy (and prolly even some in Italy),
On one of my friends 21st birthday, she booked a hotel for all of us in midtown. We took the bus down from Boston to spend the weekend there. It was her birthday and since I was the only one of my friends to actually go to New York City before, I was the tour guide. My first suggestion was lower east side to find some quick, cheap food before we all went out.
She chose Red Lobster.
I haven’t talked to her in 4 years.
@Crystal…You and I could be friends.
The thing is that tourists in a new city don’t know the layout, don’t know the good neighborhoods, don’t have any local knowledge to find the good places to eat. Not defending this atrocity but it’s the same everywhere. Fisherman’s Wharf is the Times Square of SF, but at least you’ll find an In-N-Out across from the aforementioned Bubba Gump’s. Tourists don’t seek risk.
If the average tourist asks a New Yorker walking down the street ‘Hey, where do I get some good Italian food?’ they’d probably be punched in the face.
Or end up at Red Lobster.
I don,t think the McDonalds of Italian food is too concerned………..
Note also that for many locales, places like Olive Garden and Ruby Tuesday ARE the best food around. I remember growing up in the burbs in Pennsylvania and being excited about eating at Ponderosa because I didn’t know any better. Now when my family visits me in NYC, we go to GOOD places.
Looks like the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken is an angry drunk.
Obscure reference,well done……
I’ve never wanted to punch a beer in the face until I saw that hefeweizen.
Sounds like there will not be a return trip to Flavor Town.
Our booth was too high; Kris’s and my legs were dangling above the ground and we’re both more than 6 feet tall.
Poor Iracane. Were you able to find a booster seat for him?
Rob snickered at us saying “now you know what it’s like!”
Where can I find this magical Dominican place on 37th?
I have to imagine that naming a drink “Jimmy Fallon’s Creamsicle” HAS to be a trolling attempt. Like, some minion suggested it as a joke and then the decision-makers didn’t make the connection and greenlit it.
Seems to be like he’s begging Fallon to promote it on his show for free.
I actually saw that episode of Fallon where Fieri promoted is shitty restaurant, he (Fieri) made the drink on the show, and Fallon called it a creamsicle, because of it’s weird consistency. So it should be called “The shitty cocktail Jimmy Fallon called a Creamsicle”. But Fallon is nice to like everybody, so he probably doesn’t mind.
I’ll be disappointed if @dadboner doesn’t tweet about Guy’s new restaurant.
It sounds like a it was not a celebraish filled with bold flavors and chest beefers, you guys.
Isn’t Donkey Sauce Fredo’s favorite place in Cuba?
Well played Sir.
$7.50 for a pint of tap beer even with Manhattan rent is ridiculous.
Totally depends on the beer, but for those two beers from that “brewery” I very much agree with you.
I expected to see “X-TREME Fajitas” and “Popcorn Shrimp in Boss-Sauce” on the menu of a restaurant run by such a modestly dressed man
No pictures of Bowser in the foyer?
A douchebag for sure. Surprisingly his pre-packaged TriTip sold at Costco is f’ing delicious.
Guy Fieri’s dog is named Rockstar. That is all.
I think that’s an OK name for a dog. Now if it was his child….
your shitting me…..
The poor, poor, folks at Hale’s Ales had their beerpun dun had: [halesbrewery.com]
Most breweries will at the very least Google a proposed beer name (unless it’s just the style name, of course) to ensure it hasn’t already been taken. Why am I not surprised a brewery affiliated with Guy didn’t do that.
How many pieces of flair are the waitstaff expected to wear?
ALL OF THEM! THEY POP WITH ZEST! BING POW!
Instead of napkins, they give you sweatbands to “wear and wipe”…so they are eco-friendly.
Reason #2106 to live in the American South suburbs – my wife* and I can go to a good steakhouse and both have dinner, split a bottle of wine and include tip and spend about 80 bucks.
*Of course, she’s also my sister so there are drawbacks but still….
Yeah, but you don’t have to fight over which in-laws to visit on which holidays.
Can’t believe you didn’t add Cheetoes to everything for just $1.
It really should be Guy Fieri’s Pizza Ship.
Those tacos are laughably small, which is interesting because (as you mentioned) tasty Mexican food is usually easy to find and inexpensive. Used to be that way with chinese food, but now the good places are overpriced as shit to compete with Panda Express and PF Changs, which are awful.
Actually there are a lot of MSG-heavy dirty Chinese places that are pretty cheap and tastier than PF Changs or Panda Express
Yeah, but MSG-heavy is the key there. It seems like they just drown it in some MSG broth now. Gross, but hey that’s Reno for you.
Going to PF Changs should be a crime.
I think Guy has turned into some kind of marketing cyborg now, but I ate at one of his first restaurants (Johnny Garlic’s) and it was pretty decent. Everything tasted fresh but there was nothing remarkable on the menu. Wouldn’t bother going back.
can you link to that New Yorker article? sounds fascinating
Pretty sure this is the one Bobby was referring to: [www.newyorker.com]
It is. Would have linked but only available to subscribers :(
I would think Guy would know that 7 out of 10 restaurants fail in the 1st year (fact,i,m in the biz).I have nothing against Guy but a 500 seat celeb chef themed restaurant (i use that term loosely) in NY city is a setup for an epic fail.He should have gone to Vegas like all the other sellouts,get Steve Wynn to back him all the way and if it fails,Wynn loses a couple a bucks.
Somebody call Robert Irvine…..
[foodnetworkhumor.com]
Gobble Gobble. Full Throbble.
Another prime example of a wanna be chef. It never ends. 500 seat restaurants need to be full every day, almost constantly to stay afloat. The fact that he was not in South Beach or Vegas to go sailing in this lead boat is a huge mistake. 12 hour days for a week to open? I am not close to impressed. As I have actually designed, overseen(almost completely), opened & trained staff in start to finish openings of restaurants that effort is a joke. I would not bet a dime on it succeeding. If the menu items have a heavy sugar touch to them its an indicator someone making decisions is smoking, or has very few sweet taste buds in their palate. This also indicates they cook as they see fit to suit themselves first, not with the intention of succeeding.by reaching out to a general public’s tastes.
The only way to know if the food appeals to you, is to actually try it yourself. The person writing this article could have a completely different palate than all of us. As the saying goes “Don’t believe everything you read!!” I love that you all just completely takes this person’s word for it…
Normally that’s true, but this is fucking Guy Fieri.
There’s this little mom and pop pizza place that I go to a lot. It only has two booths, a counter, and it’s pies go for around $8 for a large, $12 for a specialty. Best Pizza i’ve ever eaten. The hours are crap though because sometimes the only person working the counter is the delivery guy and he has to close the store when he makes deliveries.