Last night was the roast of celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain, and Eater put together a compilation of the best jokes. Here are some sample burns, courtesy of Jim Norton and Mario Batali:
“Could you have picked a worse night for this, you pompous ass? There is a home Yankee playoffs game and a Vice Presidential debate. What were the other options? New Year’s Eve or the 9/11 anniversary?”
“You can’t top Anthony’s love for exotic food. Anthony will never forget the time he ate sheep’s testicles but he was probably too drunk to remember the time he ate Guy Fieri’s.”
Bourdain and Fieri are the Batman and Joker of the cooking world, which doesn’t make any sense when you think about it, but it sounds right. Deep down, though, I think Bourdain needs Fieri, to make himself seem like less of an asshole, whereas Fieri doesn’t give two Slamma Jamma Parmigianas, i.e. sh*ts, about Bourdain. Clearly, they have a love-hate relationship, as seen here, a topic Fieri, to his credit, didn’t shy away from.
“Everybody’s been asking me, ‘What on earth are you going to say at Bourdain’s roast? He’s been sh*t-talking your name everywhere.’ And I’ve been saying, ‘Don’t you worry about me. I won’t touch him with a 10-pole, because smack-talking Bourdain would be like hitting a piñata full of sh*t.’ Real messy. I want everyone to understand that I’m going to be the bigger man. I’m going to take the high road. I wouldn’t dare come up here and call Anthony Bourdain any of these things that people have called him: No-good, loud mouth, jerkoff, wannabe authority, pseudo rebel, nerd, sh*t-talking, blow hard, celebrity-seeking, Eric-Ripert coattail, Mario Batali ass-kissing hate monger…Jose Canseco of the food world, snaggle tooth, Lurch-looking motherf*cker. No, I’m here to take the high road.”
Not bad, not bad. The term “hate monger” is always funny. What else you got?
“Anthony, I gotta ask a question, why do you hate me so much brother? Is it because you went to a fancy culinary school and I didn’t? I hear you’re the only one in class who did most of his cooking with a spoon and a Bic lighter.”
Who knew Fieri had it in him to tell a good joke? I mean, we knew he was full of fried snakes and fried snails and Smash Mouth lyrics, but jokes? Maybe you’ll win us over, yet Mr. Fier —