When we last checked in on bleached dickhead/culinary terrorist Guy Fieri, he was — like a brigade of Nazi stormtroopers blitzkrieging into Poland — advancing his diabolical plan to destroy food as we know it by opening impossibly bad restaurants all across the land, in addition to selling frozen, boxed abominations like s’mores pizzas at Walmart and Sam’s Club.
Now, with all food effectively lined up for execution, Mr. Flavortown is apparently looking for something else cherished by the moderately refined: wine. Yes, the man whose best friends are named Gorilla, Kleetus, and Dirty P recently bought a pinot noir vineyard in Sonoma County, California.
While the plans are still in the early stages, Fieri hopes to eventually produce wine with his family, he said.
“Our son’s names are Hunter and Ryder, so we’d call it the ‘Hunt and Ryde,’” Fieri said. “Maybe some day this will evolve into us being able to produce our own wine, and celebrate some of the bounty of the county.”
“Hunt and Ryde” sounds like a great name for a wine that’s sold in a box or a bag, so it’s actually kind of perfect. My guess is that it’ll come in a box, a box with flames running up the sides, and it’ll have “PEE-KNOW POWAH” listed as the “flavor.” Bobby Big Wheel, our selfless Fieri product reviewer person, has his money on bags. We’ll just have to wait and see!
In addition to eventually putting out his own wine, the Food Network mega-tool has big plans for the property, according to the Press Democrat.
If Fieri’s plans are approved, a three-bedroom home on the property that has served as a crash pad for visiting friends will be renovated to add a tasting room, Fieri said. He also hopes to use the grounds to educate children about cooking, he said.
Architects for the project are envisioning an Italian piazza, with raised garden beds, olive trees and mountain views, according to the application submitted to the county by his company, Knuckle Sandwich LLC. Fieri also requested permission to host 14 events per year, including wine industry events, some with more than 100 attendees.
Paul Giamatti’s character in Sideways just had a heart attack and a stroke at the same time.
Oh, by the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GUY FERRY!