How We Should Have Been The Mother: The Ted Mosby Girlfriend Power Rankings

By: 04.17.13  •  44 Comments

After dozens of misdirections and missed connections, the titular mom will FINALLY (probably) be revealed during the season eight finale of How I Met Your Mother. That episode airs on May 13th, but until then, it’s no use guessing who she is because 1) nearly 200 episodes of How I Met Your Mother is ridiculous, and 2) really, almost 200 EPISODES? Anyway, I’m one of the few people who’s still watching (and occasionally enjoying) the show, so I’ve seen all the random one night stands, would-be soul mates, and almost-prostitutes Ted’s been involved with over the years. So I feel vaguely qualified to present: The Ted Mosby Girlfriend Power Rankings.

The criteria is simple: using the extremely helpful “List of Ted’s romances” Wiki page, I’ve ranked 30 of Ted’s lady loves since season 1 by both how much I wish they were the mom, so that they’d be around more during season nine, but also by how not-awful of a person they are. The Mother and Robin are exempt because, obviously and also we know “Aunt” Robin doesn’t end up with Bob Saget. We begin with one of Ted’s, to quote Lily, “random skanks.”

#30. Strawberry

Pro: Vegetarian, so she doesn’t eat at Arby’s

Con: Dislikes meat eaters so much that she’ll throw blood on them and scream, “MEAT IS MURDER.”

#29. Karen

Pro: Still well spoken even as a senior citizen, I guess?

Con: Will cheat, will criticize, will always be a pretentious monster

#28. Lizbeth

Pro: Likes lasagna

Con: Hates everything else because she’s so TORTURED and DEEP, might be Garfield in disguise

#27. Royce

Pro: Loves to laugh?

Con: Professional gambler, lives with her brother, sleeps with her brother, paid money to see The Wedding Bride

#26. Jeanette

Pro: Dedicated girlfriend, passionate lover, if anything cares too much, is a policewoman so you can run red lights

Con: Cares WAY too much, stalker, prone to throwing beloved items out windows

#25. Stacey

Pro: Slaps people who say “bro” unironically

Con: Plays bass in a reggae band, probably had white girl dreadlocks at some point

#24. Jen

Pro: Might be Ellen May in disguise, minus the drug addiction

Con: Literally so unmemorable that one might forget they already went on a blind date with her

#23. Blah Blah

Pro: World of Warcraft player

Con: On the wrong side of the hot/crazy scale, sells handbags online, Bellevue Hospital patient

#22. Holli

Pro: Kind of looks like Minka Kelly?

Con: Isn’t named “Holly”

#21. Mary

Pro: Paralegal at a successful company

Con: Easily mistaken for a prostitute

#20. Vicky

Pro: Makes you realize the importance of spending your life with a half-decent person

Con: Jerk to waiters, jerk to bus boys, jerk to old people, jerk to everyone really

#19. Becky

Pro: Bubbly, fun, exuberant, bouncy, perky, gleefulness of a five-year-old…

Con: …all things that get annoying after about five minutes

#18. Molly

Pro: An Ohio 10 (OK, a 10 everywhere)

Con: Usually not a good idea to marry the person you lost your virginity to, lives in Ohio

#17. Zoey

Pro: Can introduce you to The Captain, means well

Con: Saving the environment gets tiring after awhile, always carries a recorder around

#16. Marybeth

Pro: Is cool with spending New Year’s Eve with your friends

Con: Gives off signals that seem to say let’s go on a date, actually say let’s be friends.

Page 2

#15. Holly

Pro: Um…

Con: Um… (seriously, the only thing we know about Holly is that she reminds Ted of Robin, because her ex-fiance is named Wayne, the last name of Batman, whose partner is Robin, and that she slept with Ted)

#14. Amy

Pro: A whole lot of fun if you’re into drinking and hot tubs and even more drinking

Con: Doesn’t think twice about her ex-boyfriend giving her current hook-up a butterfly tattoo on his lower back

#13. Cathy

Pro: Isn’t shy

Con: Women be talkin’ (her fatal flaw was that she talked too much, so, yeah)

#12. Amanda

Pro: Chef at a nice restaurant, skilled pumpkin cheesecake baker

Con: Misspells Lily as “Lori,” lets her hair fall into the soup she’s preparing

#11. Naomi

Pro: Goes to Halloween parties as slutty pumpkins

Con: Apparently her ex- has a weird past with some kooky made-up religion, warning sign

#10. Carly

Pro: Could be Elisha Cuthbert’s sister

Con: Has Stinson in her (meaning she’s related to Barney), only enjoys the new Star Wars movies

#9. Stella

Pro: Good mom, awesome daughter, can yell STTTTTTEEEELLLLLAAAAAA at her whenever you want

Con: HAS NEVER SEEN ORIGINAL STAR WARS, SAW STAR WARS, HATED STAR WARS

#8. Robyn

Pro: Exactly like Robin (shoots guns, drinks scotch, etc.), blonde

Con: Canadian

#7. Natalie

Pro: Knows Krav Maga, listens to Belle and Sebastian, collects sock monkeys

Con: Prone to getting back with ex-boyfriends who broke up with her over answering machine messages

#6. Natalia

Pro: Gourmet cook, can quote every line from Caddyshack, world class violinist

Con: I’m sorry, what? I wasn’t paying attention. My phone was ringing.

#5. Honey

Pro: Katy Perry, Katy Perry, Katy Perry, Katy Perry, Katy Perry

Con: Not the sharpest tack, once gave her Social Security number to a Nigerian prince, you’ll be broke in hours

#4. Trudy

Pro: Cool with threesomes, finds drunk people singing in bars sexy, looks like Winnie Cooper

Con: Leaves in the middle of the night, uses pineapples as MacGuffins

#3. Victoria

Pro: Always smells like bread and cupcakes, as sweet as said cupcakes, has the same name as a great Kinks song

Con: Might leave you at the altar, isn’t down with the whole “in love with your best friend” thing

#2. Janet

Pro: Graduated from Princeton at 15, donated kidney to stranger, climbed Mt. Everest, saved a baby, billionaire

Con: Enjoys Annie Hall more than Bananas

#1. Cindy

Pro: Summer. Roberts.

Con: NONE

Around The Web

Featured

From Showman To Shaman: How An Assassination Attempt Changed Bob Marley’s Life And Music

From Zero To Guitar Hero, Meet The Small-Town Musician Who’s Well On His Way

Hannibal Buress On ‘Comedy Camisado,’ Animation, And Doing Stand-Up In Japan

Phil Matarese And Mike Luciano Talk ‘Animals.’ And Creating Television In Their Apartment

‘Black Sheep’ Revisited: The Farley-Spade Classic That Could’ve Been, 20 Years Later

EAT THIS CITY: Chef Callie Speer Shares Her ‘Can’t Miss’ Food Experiences In Austin, Texas

Kimbo Slice Is Down To Fight Kurt Angle And Roy Jones, Jr. As Soon As He Settles His Business At Bellator 149

By:  •  2 Comments

A Top Recruit Michigan Landed On Signing Day Isn’t Who You Think He Is At All

Henry Louis Gates, Jr. On How His Personal Ancestry Obsessions Led To ‘Finding Your Roots’

Love Books? Plan A Trip To The Most Literary City In The Country

What The Shot-For-Shot Remake Of The ‘Magnum P.I.’ Intro Tells Us About ‘Archer’ Season 7

By:  •  2 Comments

‘The Most Badass Event’: Experiencing A Truck Race On A Ski Mountain, Which Is As Crazy As It Sounds