I just have one question about last night’s episode of Justified. One. And then we can get to the highlights and GIFs and discussions about huckster uncledads and ruined vacations and love lost due to foreseeable complications. I promise. But we need to clear this up right away, because it is important and demands attention.
How did Boyd, Darryl, and company get to the outdoor Mexican bar after the police took their truck?
The reason I ask is because, if my math is correct, there was a grand total of six people that needed transporting (Boyd, Darryl, Danny, Dewey, and Boyd’s two guys whose names I can never remember), as well as 25 kilos of Mexican heroin, and one freshly acquired compact used car to transport them with. Maybe I’m missing something. I probably am. (Perhaps they got an off-camera ride from someone else related to the the Crowe family’s connection.) But if the whole crew piled into that tiny car like a team of felonious Dixie clowns — I’m picturing Dewey being forced to sit on Danny’s lap in the back, for the record — and the show robbed us of a shot of them speeding through the desert with the car’s body weighed down and hovering an inch above the bumpy Mexican highway, I might never forgive the people responsible. They could have set it to the opening horn riff from “Ring of Fire” and everything.
And now, the highlights:
- If it felt a little like this episode was a deviation — or at least a detour — from the path we were headed down, especially the thing with Raylan tracking down Uncle Jack for Wendy, there’s a good reason for that: It kinda was. As Graham Yost explained in his weekly round-up at EW, this episode got tossed together on the fly after they had to kill off Edi Gathegi’s character earlier than they planned because he wanted out. And I quote: “Well, we’re gonna be short an episode, so we better come up with one now. Instead of trying to stretch out the last three episodes [of the 13-episode season], let’s put something in now. What can we do?” So that explains that.
- Speaking of Uncle Jack, three quick thoughts: 1) This is definitely a product of me watching too much Saved by the Bell growing up, but the whole time he was promising to take Kendal to Cedar Point, I was getting a very distinct Rod Belding vibe. 2) “Rolly coasters.” 3) I rewound it to check, and yup, Uncle Jack had broken sunglasses. This was a wonderful touch.
- Uncle Jack was played by Kyle Bornheimer, who also had a guest spot on last night’s Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Big night for Kyle Bornheimer.
- Sometimes I feel bad for Raylan. All he wanted was to go on vacation with his pot-smoking bikini-clad girlfriend using fraudulently obtained radio contest winnings, and he ended up getting roped into a family dispute involving fraud and people getting hit in the head with bricks. And it was all for nothing, too, since Wendy either didn’t have or wasn’t sharing the information about her family’s Mexican adventure with Boyd. You know how Raylan told Jack “You were born to lose. Lose well for once. You might earn some respect”? Methinks he picked up that lesson thanks to years of experience.
- CON: No Art, Wynn Duffy, Rachel, or Tim last night. PRO: Wendy Crowe unloading a shotgun into a parked car.
- The most important thing we learned during the traffic stop with the crooked Mexican police — narrowly edging out the fact that a stint as a cult leader can be very useful if you need to spout off some Bible verses years later as part of your emergency “traveling missionary with a U-Haul full of Bibles” cover story — was the fact that the only phrases Boyd knows how to say in Spanish are “Good evening” and “No problem here.” This tells you (a) all you really need to know about Boyd, and (b) that there’s a fortune to be made in Beginner’s Spanish for Criminals audiotapes.
- Helpful tip: If you’re involved in shady dealings outside of the United States, it’s not a bad idea to bring along an Aryan-looking henchman who is secretly fluent in the native tongue to serve as your ears. Second helpful tip: Go back in time and pay more attention in high school Spanish.
- If we’re doing the Crowe vs. Crowder tale of the tape, even if we give Darryl all the benefits of all the doubts in the world and say he and Boyd are a push (which, still, no, but this is a hypothetical, so work with me), I’ve still got to put Boyd’s gang on top. Danny and Dewey are like the more incompetent versions of the Bennett brothers. That’s saying something.
- Darrl Crowe Pronunciation Watch: “Poi-zun the waaaayy-ulll.”
- Boyd Crowder Hair Threat Level: Guy Fieri, Brunette Mad Scientist.
- A solid point…
- I would honestly watch a full episode of Raylan trying to relate to teenagers. It’s always a delight, especially when he sees himself in them and tries to give a Big Brother-y pep talk. Take, for example, this condensed version of his conversation with Kendal: “It gets better, Kendal.” “I’m not gay.” “Uh… here’s some money.” “Are you a pervert?” “Just… save it.” “I’m going to buy a four-wheeler or a gun.”
- Once I finish (read as: begin and finish) my Justified my fan-fiction about (a) Jackie Nevada, (b) Boyd and Raylan in high school, and (c) Raylan and Rachel getting married and opening a diner, someone remind to write a series about Kendal and Loretta dating and robbing banks like a modern-day teenage Bonnie and Clyde who flee the scenes of their crimes on ATVs.
- Do you think Allison gave Raylan that bikini back after she dumped him? Do you think she should have?
- Ava … Ava has troubles. In addition to promising that she can smuggle in heroin that is currently in Mexico and at the center of multiple ongoing conflicts (Crowders vs. Crowes; Crowders and Crowes vs. Hot Rod/Johnny’s Guys; Everyone vs. The Law, Domestic and International), she also has a dislocated shoulder now. Bad times.
Okay, that wraps it up. Feel free to add your thoughts below. Thanks as always to Chet for the GIFs. Please do not lock me in the back of a hot U-Haul with a bunch of dead bodies and ill-tempered criminals.
