There is much that we need to get to from last night’s episode of Justified, but first, allow me to derail my entire recap with an extended discussion of the following throwaway exchange:
WYNN DUFFY: My suite is being cleaned. The microwave exploded.
RACHEL: What happened? Someone put metal in the science oven?
TIM: I finally saw that?
RACHEL: What did you think?
TIM: Needs more Jason Statham.
RAYLAN: What doesn’t?
With apologies to UPROXX’s resident film critic and Party Dog enthusiast, Vince Mancini, this is probably my favorite analysis of American Hustle. So many words were written about that movie. So, so many words. Critics spent the better part of Oscar season crawling all over each other to shout whether they thought it was good, or not good, or awful, or whatever, and somehow it was a TV show about trigger-happy Kentucky lawmen that summed it all up best: Needs more Statham. I mean, obviously. It was right in front of our faces the whole time. He could have kicked Bradley Cooper in the neck and run off with Amy Adams. I can’t believe no one thought of that until now.
And while I’m in the business of derailing a recap that technically hasn’t even started yet, allow me to also give a major shout out to the team at Justified for this…
… because it was the hardest I’ve laughed all season. Maybe it’s just because I went on a mini-rant a few weeks ago about what an awful headquarters Johnny’s is, and how often its employees end up kidnapped and/or the victims of violence, but this poor man screaming “THIS IS THE WORST JOB IN THE WORLD” after getting shot in the leg — which itself happened not long after he got tied up and left for dead by Hot Rod’s boys — just destroyed me. I can’t wait to see his worker’s comp claim. It’ll be 50 pages long and stained with his own blood.
And now, the highlights, which will include actual analysis of the show. I promise:
- We don’t get Raylan/Boyd showdowns too often, understandably, so when we get them we need to be thankful. This episode gave us a few, which seemed to escalate in intensity as the episode progressed. I was more than a little surprised that Boyd played the Nicky Augustine card right there in the middle of the Marshal’s office. I know Rachel and Tim immediately defended him and pointed out that the case was closed and pinned on Barkley, but I feel like it may come up again at some point, especially if Rachel figures out that it was the source of all that tension between Raylan and Art.
- NOTE TO SELF: Enter more rooms by bursting through double doors and announcing “Your savior has arrived.”
- And speaking of Boyd, hoo boy. Raylan’s tossing around his file — which, FYI, is “thick with the names of the suffering and the dead” — like a cowboy version of J. Edgar Hoover crossed with Seymour Skinner; his plan to have Darryl Crowe and the Mexicans wipe each other out was ruined in spectacular fashion; the Mexicans (a) know Wynn lied to them about him being dead, (b) know he’s working with the Marshals, and (c) have his trusted henchman at gunpoint at Johnny’s (obviously); and Raylan wouldn’t let him have his phone all day. So maybe this wasn’t such a good thing after all…
- One thing I like about this Mexican cartel: they demand things get done “by sundown.” We should all start doing this more. Like, the next time one of your kids starts dragging his feet about cleaning his room or whatever, drop your voice a gravelly octave and say “Have it done by sundown … or else.” That oughta get little Cayden’s butt in gear.
- “Paris is swanky. Lexington’s horsesh*t.”
- For as much as Wynn loves him, Mikey is kind of a crappy henchman. He missed the bomb in Boyd’s cigarettes, he answered the door when Darryl knocked even though the room was filled with murder-related blood and explosive remnants, and he gave up vital information after Darryl busted in and whupped his tail. Wynn needs to start browsing Craigslist or something for a replacement.
- I have clearly watched too much SNL because Wendy Crowe’s “What are you doing here?” to Raylan gave me vivid flashbacks of The Californians.
- “Why, Raylan Givens, I’m extending my hand to you. Why you wanna bare your teeth?”
- In case you missed it yesterday, showrunner Graham Yost revealed the name of Raylan and Winona’s baby in his Reddit AMA. It’s not Raylene. THIS IS BIGGER HORSESH*T THAN LEXINGTON.
- God bless Dewey Crowe. Everything about his mini-arc last night was beautiful, from him fleeing a shotgun-wielding old woman from whom he had just siphoned gas and asked permission to defecate in her home, to him fighting a john over a gator necklace while two hookers filmed it and shouted “WORLDSTAR,” to him bumbling into a sting and somehow confessing to every crime he’s ever committed, to his confusion over what exactly “the third person” is. (This season’s “I got four kidneys?”) The man is basically a cartoon character. I mean that in the nicest and best way possible. Also…
- I like that Ava’s prison consigliere is making convulated-ass references to The Untouchables. I wish Ava had let her keep talking. “They put one of ours in the hospital, we put one of theirs in the morgue. But they already put one of our in the morgue, so we’ll put one of theirs… uh, ON THE MOON.”
- R.I.P Penny. You were pretty and nice and I liked you on that one show Shark where James Woods played a lawyer. You will be missed.
- But we should probably be talking about Raylan, who is going full Dark Side to bring down Darryl. And not the way he usually goes Dark Side, either, which involves putting bullets in people until they stop causing him emotional or physical discomfort. No, now he is getting a little bit evil. Maybe a lotta bit evil. He pretty much told Ava — his ex-girlfriend and pal since high school — he’d be happy to hasten her prison-related demise if she didn’t cooperate, and he’s hanging Kendal — who he’s convinced is innocent — out to dry on an adult murder charge, knowing that Kendal’s only way out involves his sh*tbird uncle confessing or getting caught. Angry Raylan Givens cares not about the well-being of women and children. Angry Raylan Givens wants vengeance.
- In conclusion, please add “Silver Tongues” to the list of Sh*t That Makes Tim Hard.
Okay, that’s it for me. Add your thoughts below. Thanks as always to Chet Manley for the GIFs. Please do not kill me and present my skin to the head of a Mexican cartel.
