“Oh man, it sure is great to be a puppy. Why, just this morning I woke up in New York City — THE BIG APPLE — and now I’m on television. So many things to see and smell! What’s that? A camera? I’m going to smell the sh-t out of that. Maybe I could even … wait, no. I shouldn’t pee on it. Behave yourself, me. After all, you don’t want to end up on the Internet.
“Wait. Who’s that lady? Why are you handing me to her? Holy hell, why does she reek of wine and White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor at 10 a.m.? I mean, I’m only a few months old, but even I know that’s not right. I do not like this. No, I do not like this at all. Why is no one helping me? I am just a puppy. I can’t defend myself against this giant. STRANGER DANGER. STRANGER DANGER.
“Hold on. Just relax. It’s not like she’s going to drop me or anything. This will all be over soon. Deep breaths. [takes deep breath, coughs] Oh God, that perfume. It’s like she washes her clothes with it. That’s it. I’ve got to get out of here. HELP. HELP. Jesus Christ, I’m slipping out of her arms! Not like this, God. I’m too young to die! I haven’t even seen Paris! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP.”
[Kathie Lee Gifford drops the puppy on its head]
“CALL MY LAWYERS.”