Out of all of the people you’ll end up working with, at least one of them is going to rub you the wrong way. Maybe they have annoying allergy sniffles all year long or say the worst possible thing at the worst possible moment. It might not even be their fault, but they are still terrible, so, for the sake of your sanity, it may be best to keep them at a distance.
For the characters on Archer, there’s no question about whether they should follow that advice. Because if they don’t stay away from their most disturbed coworker – Dr. Algernop Krieger – they’ll do more than get a little annoyed or creeped out. Krieger’s proven multiple times that he is happy to drug and experiment on his coworkers. Suddenly “Jeff, the guy who always asks if you need anything from the pantry even when you’re on the phone” doesn’t seem so bad, does he? No, he doesn’t. And to further remind you that you could always have a worse coworker, here’s a list of Krieger’s most questionable moments on Archer.
“No, now I’m into something… darker.”
There’s a reason certain topics are considered taboo subjects in the workplace. That reason is because people are sometimes twisted, tormented individuals and you don’t always want to know what they do in their free time. Sterling Archer learned this first-hand when he found out that Krieger moved up from his hobby of watching bum-fights to other unspeakably heinous acts.
“I don’t know. Just started human testing… by dosing Danny the Intern’s coffee.”
Chances are, if you’ve worked alongside Dr. Krieger for at least a day, he’s already conducted some kind of experiment on you. If you’re lucky, he at least told you afterwards. If you’re Danny the Intern, you suddenly start finding men attractive after your morning cup of coffee and don’t know why.
“You can with a little thing I call a deep cycle marine battery… Or LSD.”
There was actually a time period where two of the most depraved people on Archer were in a pseudo-relationship. Sadly, Cheryl and Krieger didn’t last long. But we did get to find out about Cheryl’s asphyxiation fetish. And that you should always bring your own gum to work because you never know what you may get from someone else. Namely LSD.
“What if I told you I had a way to beat any drug test in the world?”
Never trust a coworker who tells you how to get out of a drug test. They’re either setting you up for failure or they’re actually high at that very moment and don’t know what they’re talking about. Or, like Krieger, they’re slipping you some of the hardest drugs you’ve ever had just to watch you trip balls and giggle.
“You don’t want to know. But you do probably want to go wash your lips now.”
While it’s important to get to know your coworkers, you don’t want to ask too many questions. You may never feel the same after you find out what they were doing on their bathroom break before touching everything. In Krieger’s case, you don’t want to ask too much because you may be counted as an accomplice to any number of crimes. Just be sure to carry hand sanitizer at all times to be safe. And, just, don’t touch anyone. Ever.
“I’m not a… “serial” killer.”
When you jokingly accuse a coworker of being a serial killer – that’s common everyday conversation, right? – the first and only thing they should say is “No.” They shouldn’t change the subject, ask how many murders are considered “serial,” or specify what kind of killer they are instead. If they do, head straight for the door. Maybe let Susan from HR know that she has a possible mess on her hands, as well. Cause you’re that kind of hero.
“A small power unit goes here on your… spiney thing, which sends electrical impulses to your muscles and ligaments and… stuff, which I will fuse to a vanadium alloy endoskeleton, replacing your current, uh, leg bones.”
If you thought that kid in Florida pretending to be a doctor was bad, at least he wasn’t performing spinal surgery on anyone – at least we hope not. While Krieger is definitely the most qualified person in the company to do anything healthcare related, he is, in no way, an actual doctor.
“Well, Pigley 3, that would certainly explain the glowing… And probably a few other things…”
Krieger really loves his creations, which is understandable. But maybe he loves them too much. Actually, scratch that “maybe.” He did things to Pigley in private that should have never been done to a genetically enhanced radioactive pig-boy for both moral and medical reasons. Your coworker may breathe funny and stare a little too long, but at least they’re not having relations with livestock in the break room.
“Hey, I was scared, I ran away. Sue me. And sue me for this! Smoke bomb!”
Teamwork is key in any workplace because no one person can run an entire company. So, it’s important to know that your coworkers have your back when it counts. Sure, Krieger volunteered to help Pam become a field agent, but he threw the flag in way too quick. And he also has a bad habit of bailing on any awkward situation by yelling “Smoke bomb!” and running away. Sadly, he doesn’t always have smoke bombs when he does it.