The problem with TV these days is that there are just too many good shows and actors. Okay, that’s not entirely accurate. The problem is that there are too many people with too many different definitions of the word “good” and there are only so many Emmy categories and nominations to go around, all while a specific group of people gets to choose them. It’s not an inevitability as much as it’s a routine for a lot of our favorite shows and actors to be overlooked for the Emmy nominations each year, and when this year’s crop is announced tomorrow, there’ll be plenty of us shaking our nerd fists in rage over the so-called snubs of our favorite programs.
Let’s face it, tomorrow’s nominees and the eventual Emmy ceremony will be mostly predictable – everyone from Modern Family will be nominated for something, some of them will win and the show will take home Outstanding Comedy Series, thus assuring another season of family vacations, while True Detective will clean up in most of the Drama categories. Of course, Veep or Louie could steal the Comedy honors and Breaking Bad’s finale could upend HBO’s hopes, but that’s all still within the realm of what we expect.
What I and many others would love to see is a total shakeup and some recognition of television’s lesser-celebrated quality programs, and maybe even some shows that just outright suck, to liven things up a little. After all, the Emmys are a TV cool kids table, always reminding everyone how rad the popular kids are while barely recognizing the shy but brilliant kids who sit by themselves at lunch. I agreed with a lot of my colleague Josh Kurp’s ideas for how the Emmys would look if the Internet chose the nominees and winners, but in the dictatorship of my mind, the Emmys should look a little more like this…
The show would open with a live performance from Nelson, as the brothers would play an acoustic set of the year’s most popular TV theme songs, before being joined by the entire band for “Love and Affection,” which would cause the entire crowd to sing along, because everyone knows the words to the greatest song ever written. Then, hosts Neil Patrick Harris and Kate Upton would come out and admit that it’s impossible to top that opening number, but there are still plenty of awards to give out, so the show must go on.
First up, Hollywood’s hottest new couple, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello, would come out to honor True Detective, Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, The Good Wife and some other drama shows that have huge ratings and critical acclaim, as well as Modern Family, Big Bang Theory, Glee, Veep and whatever other comedies and characters are typically represented at the Emmys. The cast of Orange is the New Black would stand up and someone would shout, “You’re not a comedy!” Jim Parsons would try to speak and someone, probably me, throws a shoe at him and the cut-off music plays. Matthew McConaughey then takes the stage to accept his award for the Outstanding Person on TV This Year, and he reveals that not only will he be starring in the Magic Mike Broadway musical to get his Tony, but he’ll be releasing a spoken word album to lock up his Grammy and EGOT. “Now on with the rest of the awards,” NPH would say while Kate Upton continues her trampoline work.
Outstanding Series on NBC That Amazingly Wasn’t Canceled – The Blacklist
This show is pretty awesome, and it’s almost entirely because of James Spader’s performance as Raymond Reddington, as he was nominated for a Golden Globe earlier this year. I think that Spader will make it into the Emmy nominations, but he won’t stand a chance against McConaughey and Bryan Cranston’s last run as Walter White. Still, someone should high five Spader and tell him that The Blacklist rules, even if Lizzy’s emotional range is narrow like a sidewalk crack.
Outstanding Achievement in Convincing People to Keep Enrolling in Law School Because Being a Lawyer is Nothing but Awesome, Cool Shouting – Suits
I’ve watched a few episodes of Suits but haven’t gotten into it, but I know a bunch of people who love it. USA should have its own awards ceremony just for its own shows, because some of them don’t even feel like real shows. And what’s the deal with that new one, Satisfaction? It looks like softcore porn, which is cool, I guess, but on USA? I guess it could work if it’s like Silk Stockings. Remember that one? The Emmys should give that a Lifetime Achievement Award at some point.
Outstanding Ridiculous Comedy Series That Should Inspire Many More Similar Shows – Childrens Hospital
Absurd ensemble comedies should be the key to the future for one network. It’d probably be NBC or Fox, since they’re both so willing to cancel an entire slate of shows with little opportunity for success, but then they’d both just screw it up. At least give Malin Akerman another show immediately since The Trophy Wife was canceled. Just call it Malin and have it be 22 minutes of her doing anything, like reading a book or eating a banana. What do I know? I’m not a network exec.
Outstanding Comedy Actor who Apparently Has to Murder Someone to Get Some Recognition – Charlie Day, Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Obviously, Always Sunny isn’t a show that is designed for the Emmy folks, but that’s stupid because it’s well-written and Charlie Day and Danny DeVito have been fantastic on it throughout every season, no matter how disappointing some of the recent episodes have been. They are national treasures, but this is about Day more than anyone. That’s why he’s becoming a huge star and eventually we’ll have missed our opportunity to shower him with TV awards, as I predict that he and Kevin Hart will be starring in a Lethal Weapon reboot by 2016.
Achievement in Getting the Heroes Out of Danger with a Record Number of Knee and Shoulder Shots – Person of Interest
I love Person of Interest. It is equal parts unbelievable ridiculousness and slightly above average acting, while having just enough dramatic tension to make me think that Reese or Shaw might actually be in danger, before they shoot all of the bad guys in the knees or shoulders and escape to safety. Meanwhile, Harold has, like, a billion dollars and I respect that because I’d love to be obscenely wealthy while controlling a computer system that monitors everyone. Except, instead of saving people, I’d use the system to record accidental nut shots.
Outstanding Drama That Should Win Every Respective Emmy Just Once – Justified
How about at next year’s Emmys, Justified cleans up and wins every dramatic Emmy and we just call it a day? All of the other so-called “hits” could go back to competing and winning in 2016. Come on, Emmy voters, just do it once for all of us Raylan Givens fans.
Outstanding Series That I Just Keep Watching Because I Want to Know How It Ends Already – Sons of Anarchy
How is it that the only Emmy this show has been nominated for (and won) was Outstanding Original Main Title Theme Music? Granted, Charlie Hunnam doesn’t deserve much more than Outstanding Bro Walking, but Kim Coates should get something for this last season. Then again, the less Sons is nominated, the more Kurt Sutter complains, and that’s always some seriously good entertainment.
Outstanding Comedy Series that is the Most Outstanding Comedy Series on TV, Seriously, If You’re Not Watching It, You’re Insane – Review
Andrew Daly should be a primetime star now, please.
Outstanding Same Thing That I Said About Justified – Archer
Four-time winner of the Best Animated Series at the Critics’ Choice Awards, but Archer has received a whopping zero nominations for Outstanding Animated Program at the Emmys. In fact, all Archer has ever received is a nomination for Outstanding Voice-Over Performance for H. Jon Benjamin, who could cover every nomination in that category in any given year, as long as the Emmy voters are willing to accept Coke commercials, too.
Outstanding Show That a Guy Should Tell Girls He Watches If He Wants Them to Think He’s Cool – Scandal
This is just a scientific theory that I’m working on, but it seems that females really love watching Scandal. A lot of guys like it, too, but I think they’re just watching it so they can say things like, “Yeah, Kerry Washington is so powerful and engaging in that role… another Jager bomb?”
At this point, we’d take a break to recognize the series that were canceled in the last year or three. Basically, Adele would sing something really powerful while I drunkenly scream at the audience about why it’s bullsh*t that shows like Happy Endings, Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23 and Surviving Jack are canceled while Charlie Sheen gets a 90 episode deal to make the worst “edgy” jokes I’ve ever heard.
Outstanding Effort to Keep Rachel Bilson on TV – Hart of Dixie
I haven’t watched a minute of this show, but every once in a while I see a commercial and I think, “Aw, Rachel Bilson is pretty cute,” and then someone reminds me that she’s having a kid with Hayden Christensen and then nothing makes sense anymore.
Outstanding Series That Has to Be Mentioned So People Don’t Freak Out – Community
Community’s brilliant. It’s the smartest and most clever show on TV today and in the last 30 years. Dan Harmon is a genius who should be given Chuck Lorre status in Hollywood so he can save NBC and continue to turn wonderful young actors like Donald Glover into stars. *checks Internet credibility standings, reaches first place, fist pump*
Outstanding Work By Showrunners in Knowing That They Have Us In the Palms of Their Hands, As If They’re Galactus and We’re Just a Puny Planet – Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD
After each episode, I’d talk to a few friends about what went down on SHIELD that week and each conversation usually went like this:
Friend: “Is that dude important?”
Me: “Probably not.”
Friend: “Skye’s pretty hot, though.”
And yet we couldn’t stop watching because at any point they could have dropped some stupid little Easter egg that might have given us some sort of insight into Avengers: Age of Ultron. That, my friends, is the true power of a beloved blockbuster franchise.
Outstandingly Hilariously Stupid Made for TV Movie that is Already Basically Jumping Its Own Name – Sharknado
The original Sharknado deserves to be honored for excellence in being so amazingly terrible that people loved it way more than they should have. But then as Ian Ziering or the toddler that runs SyFy accepts the Emmy, I get to whisper, “By accepting this, you agree to not make any more Sharknado movies after Sharknado 2: The Second One, because paying Jared from Subway to act is really not cool” and then it becomes a binding verbal contract.
Outstanding Home Improvement Series That is Clearly Fake but It’s Still So Much Fun to Watch – Love It or List It
I just want to be on one home improvement show so I can be that guy who’s always like, “You’re ruining my house and I don’t share your vision! What you’re doing is wrong and now we’re stuck with this because you can’t do your job!” But then the house is finished and I’m like, “I love it, I can’t believe that you actually pulled it off,” but I never actually thank Hillary for doing her job, because renovating my dream home is a thankless job.
Outstanding Performance by an Actress Doing Cocaine – Judith Light, Dallas
Every once in a while, Danger Guerrero reminds me of this GIF and I can’t thank him enough.
Outstanding Pile of What the F*ck Am I Watching Right Now? – The Following
Not all of my new Emmys will be positive, because some shows deserve to be publicly scorned. In this case, The Following should be pelted with rotten vegetables in the public square or on the Emmys stage for taking a seemingly awesome idea – a serial killer has inspired a cult and it runs so deep that he’s able to escape prison and pursue the man who devoted his career to locking him up, and who also took his wife – and turning it into a hilarious mess of one stupid turn after another. I’m hoping that the final episode has Joe Carroll facing a hanging on the White House lawn and right as the executioner is about to pull the lever, the President winks at Joe and they fly off together on a jetpack while bees sting Ryan Hardy on his face.
Finally, the Emmy ceremony closes with a montage of the funniest moments on this past season of 2 Broke Girls. It looks like this: