I am going to talk about about last night’s excellent episode of Happy Endings in a moment, I promise, but first I need to say something that will cause me to EXPLODE if I don’t get it out right away: Eggnog is disgusting. The taste, the texture, the name, everything. The fact that it (a revolting beverage that can’t be saved even by the addition of bourbon, the brownest of brown liquors) is the beverage most often associated with Christmas (my favorite non-summer time of the year) appalls me. Knowing that people still insist on serving it at holiday parties in punch bowls that could just as easily be filled with some sort of rum-and-fruit-juice-concoction that other people could accidentally consume too much of and make hilarious spectacles of themselves with drives me straight up a festive, tinsel-adorned tree. Please stop. It’s gross.
That said, if you must consume eggnog — if you really, really must — last night’s episode depicted the only two acceptable ways: 1) A hidden pouch-and-hose contraption strapped to your back, so I don’t have to see it; and 2) Like this:
If you’re going to be gross, at least be hilarious about it. I guess that’s my point. And now, the highlights:
- Jane has a fake ID so no one will know she’s actually a Christmas baby, and she went so far as to lie to her husband about it. The woman is a sociopath. I adore her (and her “frosted spruce” colored eyes).
- Ringling Brothers for Brothers would have been “the greatest show on Earf,” and you are a racist if you laughed at that. Spoiler alert: Everyone is a racist.
- My eggnog aversion aside, I will say this: This show does big sight gags as well as any I’ve ever seen, and the nog pouch explosion and Christmas morning pepper spraying were both right up there with the prolonged piñata attack from a few weeks ago. This show wears chaos well. Also, please never pepper spray my peepee.
- “What’s gonna be open on Christmas? A gas station, drug store, Israel?”
- Alex has something resembling a deviant sexual need to open presents. There are many layers to this woman. She is not as simple as she seems.
- Speaking of Alex, here’s something that dawned on me the other day: I know cross-network crossovers are rare (see Community/Cougar Town), but I would happily pay $4.99 for a pay-per-view episode where Alex and Ron Swanson get together to eat ribs. I will go higher if necessary.
- “Recycle? What is this, Portland?”
- You know, between Sinbrad and Hip Hop Santa, Brad has a bit of a puppet thing going on. A delightful puppet thing, please don’t mistake me, but still, something to keep an eye on.
- Dave is both (a) a gift whisperer, and (b) horrible at soccer talk. Although trading Mandy Patinkin for a town in California is not altogether unreasonable. The Princess Bride is an important movie.
- Was … was that a Queens Boulevard reference from Jane? I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that. No, wait. I’m fine with it. False alarm.
- Max apparently once threw a balloon full of nickels off of Brad and Jane’s balcony and was charged with “quote unquote attempted murder.” I like that he has the same attitude toward inchoate offenses as Sideshow Bob. (That makes two Simpsons references, for those of you counting at home.)
- Finally, and most importantly, here are three GIFs of Elisha Cuthbert grinding on Hip Hop Santa. Have a great day.
All in all a great episode. Feel free to add your favorite moments in the comments.