Ever since premium cable channels started airing hyper-violent sexy dramas like Spartacus, True Blood, and Game of Thrones, I have periodically been going outside during torrential rain storms, looking up to the heavens, and screaming “WHY DOESN’T MICHAEL BAY HAVE A PREMIUM CABLE SHOW ABOUT PIRATES YET?” to whichever god happened to be on duty at the time. Well, it appears one of those deities heard my pleas, because Starz has finally released the first trailer for Black Sails, their new high seas pirate drama that’s being executive produced by Mr. “I Don’t Change My Style For Anybody. Pussies Do That” Himself.
“But how Michael Bay is it?” you ask. Well, let’s run the trailer through the old Michael Bay Checklist to find out:
- Booms? Check.
- Bangs? Obvs.
- Dudes shooting guns and swinging axes and sh-t? Check.
- Sexy ladies who are possibly prostitutes? Check.
- Sexy possible prostitutes doing sexy things with other sexy possibly prostitutes? Check.
- A super-cool dance party that takes place in a trendy club or on the beach? Check.
- Offensive one-note caricatures of minorities? Too soon to tell.
- Sweeping shots of the main character shot from ground level so he looks like a giant damn superhero? Not yet.
- Nerve gas or evil robots or drug lords hell-bent on destruction? No. Not in the trailer, at least.
Not a bad start. Not bad at all. And seriously, if the concept of a Michael Bay-produced pirate show on premium cable doesn’t do it for you, I really don’t know what I can say. MICHAEL BAY HAS A PIRATE SHOW NOW, PEOPLE. What a day to be alive.