This is a preview clip from Sunday’s episode of the perfectly named Discovery Channel show Naked & Afraid. The clip is titled “Skinny Dipping With Sharks,” and it features two “primitive survivalists” named Clint and Laura who have been sent to a remote beach in Panama. We really need to talk about it.
Let’s get the obvious issue out of the way first: This is one of the worst ideas I have ever heard. Skinny dipping in the ocean and swimming with sharks are bad enough ideas on their own, so combining them is just piling dangerous on top of stupid. You have all sorts of orifices and dangly parts that are usually covered up by a bathing suit. You don’t want scary ocean things to happen to them. I mean, this thing lives in the ocean, for God’s sake. That is not something that should have unfettered access to very sensitive areas of your body. And let’s say a shark attacks you and you somehow survive. Do you really want to be in a position where you need to be rescued while naked? No. No you do not. Never do this. Promise me.
And in addition to being a terrible idea, this clip is false advertising on a couple levels. First of all, THERE ARE NO SHARKS. Yes, they show some B-roll from Shark Week in the beginning and have someone say “this area is known for sharks” or whatever, but there’s not a single one in sight the whole time they’re out there. Titling this clip “Skinny Dipping With Sharks” is kind of like saying “I went grocery shopping with a murderer” because one guy in your town killed someone a few years ago. The show is already called Naked & Afraid. There’s no need to gild the lily. And speaking of that name, here’s another small issue: One contestant, Laura, is naked but not afraid, and the other contestant, Clint, is afraid but not totally naked. Unless Discovery means the title the way TNT means Franklin & Bash or Rizzoli & Isles (“That’s it, Naked and Afraid! I’m holding you both in contempt!”), this episode doesn’t appear to live up to its promise, at least in this clip.
But mostly I wanted to bring this clip to your attention because Clint is my spirit animal. He wants no part of any of this. After making a spear and declaring that he and Laura are going into the ocean to try to find food, he proceeds to say the following things: “I’m not a swimmer and I’m freaked out by everything having to do with the ocean. And there’s definitely sharks in the area, and I’m outta here,” “I’m bailing, Laura. Forget this,” “I’m not in the business of going after big stuff than can hurt me,” and “I wanna get the hell outta here.” And sure enough, he does get the hell outta there and haul ass back to dry land, leaving his female partner to continue setting up lobster traps by herself, butt-naked in supposedly shark-infested waters. I feel you, Clint. I feel you.