08.08.12 5 years ago 7 Comments

So, here’s what’s happening…

For a long time, Twilight stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were dating and were like “We are in love just like the movie” and Twilight fans were all “OMIGOD BEST OMIGOD” and everything was great, but then the paparazzi were like “Yo hold up is that Kristen Stewart making out with her old-ass director?” and Kristen Stewart and her old-ass director were all “Yes and also please don’t take our picture” but the paparazzi were like “Um, clickclickclickclickclick” and there was a scandal, and I was all “PHEW, they are film actors so I don’t have to cover it.”

Then Kristen Stewart was like “OK, so here’s the thing: I cheated with the old guy and I am going to admit it in a public statement like that’s something people do” and Robert Pattinson was all “I do not have a comment but I probably wish you had just, like, called me instead of releasing a statement to everyone,” and the Twilight fans were like “OMIGOD WORST OMIGOD” and all the melonhead entertainment shows like Access Hollywood were all “Is Robert Pattinson depressed or on drugs or on depression drugs? Tune in to find out but first what is Lindsay’s deal and has Jennifer Aniston finally found love? [swooping camera, dramatic sound effect],” and Robert Pattinson was like “Oh brother, no comment, I probably really wish everyone would stop talking about my girlfriend cheating on me” and I was all “Whoa, I really dodged a bullet here in that I still don’t have to cover this story.”

BUT THEN Robert Pattinson was like “OK I guess I have to promote this movie so I will have to talk about it because everyone is jerks and I have decided to do it on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart this coming Monday” and all the dipsh-t gossip sites were all “RPATTZ BREAKS HIS SILENCE LOOK HOW FAT THIS PRETTY LADY IS LULZ” and all the Twilight fans were like “OMIGOD TEAM WHICHEVER GUY OMIGOD” and I was all “Guuuuuhhhhhh, I guess I have to cover this now but I’m going to do it like a total jackass because otherwise I will just cry until I die of dehydration.”

And that pretty much brings us up to the present.

Photo credit: Featureflash/Shutterstock

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