Four Imagined Scenes From The New Purge-Free ‘Purge’ TV Show

Editor-at-Large
05.19.17 6 Comments

Blumhouse

Earlier this week, a Purge TV show became a reality, with USA and Syfy both agreeing to air a 10-episode series based on the popular movies. The catch is, the series will focus on the 364 days a year when the Purge doesn’t take place. The Purge TV show will be Purge-less. Honestly, it will probably be fine. It might even be good. But we’re still going to have fun with it anyway.

**********

A young married couple, Brent and Sarah, has been planning a vacation. Sarah bounds into the living room with good news.

SARAH: Great news, I just booked our Italian vacation.

BRENT: Oh, nice.

SARAH: Our flight leaves on March 17 and we come back on the 31st. I called the hotel and they said th-… what’s wrong? You’re making a face.

BRENT: It’s just… if we’re in Italy on the 21st…

SARAH: Oh God. Is this about the stupid Purge?

BRENT: I don’t wanna miss it! Me and the guys were gonna go to Best Buy and purge new big screen TVs.

SARAH: Ugh, why don’t you just buy a new TV? You make $250,000 a year at the law firm. You don’t have to steal one.

BRENT: [muttering] It’s not the same.

SARAH: Well, I’m sorry, but the vacation has been booked. We’ll be in Italy. You’ll just have to take one year off of purging.

BRENT: [still muttering] Well then maybe I’ll just purge myself some gelato while we’re there.

SARAH: What was that?

BRENT: Nothing.

**********

Getty Image

A man, Henry, rushes into Wal-Mart the night before the Purge. The shelves are mostly empty. Henry is panicked. He tracks down an employee.

HENRY: Hey, do you have anything I can use in the Purge tomorrow? Like, weapons?

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Isn’t it a little late to be Purge shopping, sir?

HENRY: I know, I know. I was just so busy. Do you guys have any guns left?

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Nope, outta guns.

HENRY: Hunting knives?

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Outta them, too.

HENRY: Regular knives, like for the kitchen?

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Nope.

HENRY: Baseball bats? Hockey sticks? Golf clubs?

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Just sold my last set of clubs not 20 minutes ago.

HENRY: Well, do you have anything I can use?

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: I got a rake.

HENRY: A rake?

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Yup.

HENRY: How am I supposed to purge with a rake?

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: I’ve seen people purge with a rake.

HENRY: I… is it at least a metal rake? Or does it have a wooden shaft I can sharpen into a spear?

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Nope. Plastic. It’s one of those little children’s rakes.

HENRY: Hold on. You’re telling me the only thing even resembling a weapon in this entire store is a plastic children’s rake?

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Yes, sir.

HENRY: But you can’t kill someone with a plastic children’s rake.

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: I suppose not. Seems to be the point, actually. Can’t have kids getting hurt and all.

HENRY: Ugh. Okay, fine. Give me the rake. I’ll figure something out. Lemme just go grab some Sour Patch Kids and I’ll meet you at the register.

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: We’re out of Sour Patch Kids.

HENRY: Dammit!

Around The Web