Earlier this week, a Purge TV show became a reality, with USA and Syfy both agreeing to air a 10-episode series based on the popular movies. The catch is, the series will focus on the 364 days a year when the Purge doesn’t take place. The Purge TV show will be Purge-less. Honestly, it will probably be fine. It might even be good. But we’re still going to have fun with it anyway.
A young married couple, Brent and Sarah, has been planning a vacation. Sarah bounds into the living room with good news.
SARAH: Great news, I just booked our Italian vacation.
BRENT: Oh, nice.
SARAH: Our flight leaves on March 17 and we come back on the 31st. I called the hotel and they said th-… what’s wrong? You’re making a face.
BRENT: It’s just… if we’re in Italy on the 21st…
SARAH: Oh God. Is this about the stupid Purge?
BRENT: I don’t wanna miss it! Me and the guys were gonna go to Best Buy and purge new big screen TVs.
SARAH: Ugh, why don’t you just buy a new TV? You make $250,000 a year at the law firm. You don’t have to steal one.
BRENT: [muttering] It’s not the same.
SARAH: Well, I’m sorry, but the vacation has been booked. We’ll be in Italy. You’ll just have to take one year off of purging.
BRENT: [still muttering] Well then maybe I’ll just purge myself some gelato while we’re there.
SARAH: What was that?
A man, Henry, rushes into Wal-Mart the night before the Purge. The shelves are mostly empty. Henry is panicked. He tracks down an employee.
HENRY: Hey, do you have anything I can use in the Purge tomorrow? Like, weapons?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Isn’t it a little late to be Purge shopping, sir?
HENRY: I know, I know. I was just so busy. Do you guys have any guns left?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Nope, outta guns.
HENRY: Hunting knives?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Outta them, too.
HENRY: Regular knives, like for the kitchen?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Nope.
HENRY: Baseball bats? Hockey sticks? Golf clubs?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Just sold my last set of clubs not 20 minutes ago.
HENRY: Well, do you have anything I can use?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: I got a rake.
HENRY: A rake?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Yup.
HENRY: How am I supposed to purge with a rake?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: I’ve seen people purge with a rake.
HENRY: I… is it at least a metal rake? Or does it have a wooden shaft I can sharpen into a spear?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Nope. Plastic. It’s one of those little children’s rakes.
HENRY: Hold on. You’re telling me the only thing even resembling a weapon in this entire store is a plastic children’s rake?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Yes, sir.
HENRY: But you can’t kill someone with a plastic children’s rake.
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: I suppose not. Seems to be the point, actually. Can’t have kids getting hurt and all.
HENRY: Ugh. Okay, fine. Give me the rake. I’ll figure something out. Lemme just go grab some Sour Patch Kids and I’ll meet you at the register.
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: We’re out of Sour Patch Kids.