‘I Am The One Who C*cks’: Recapping The ‘Breaking Bad’ Porn Parody

walt jesse xxx

It’s been far too long since we last discussed Breaking Bad XXX, the porn parody of everyone’s favorite porn-less show that’s also about meth. The last time we wrote about it was in November, when all we had was a mere trailer and a list of better porn parody titles (Team I Am the One Who C*cks, with Breaking Vag in second place.)

Let’s amend that: today, we watched the Sweet Mess Films production, and lived to tell the SFW recap.

plot

It was nice of the director to begin the movie with a plot summary. How many people do you think read the whole thing? Coordinates to Curly’s gold and Daniel Stern’s career should have been included near the end, just to see if anyone was paying attention. Also, my elementary school photos all have that same background.

walter

Meet Walter White. Not only does he have cancer, he’s also got unable-to-get-hard penis disorder. It’s a very serious disease — he hasn’t made love to his wife in ages. He goes to the doctor’s office to obtain boner pills (I’m sure they have a more technical name than that, but boner pills for his unable-to-get-hard penis disorder), but they’ve been outlawed by the state. (Hope you read the opening plot summary!) “You don’t need to have sex anymore,” suggests the unhelpful doctor. “Consider this a blessing, Walt, You’re free from the sins of temptation…”

nurse doctor

Then Unhelpful Doctor and Nurse Boobs have sex.

walter-white-birthday-door

That is Breaking Bad‘s Walter White walking through doors on his birthday.

walt birthday door

This is Breaking Bad XXX‘s Walter White walking through a door on his 40th birthday. I’m seeing double: eight Bryan Cranstons!

birthday dinner

Meet the family. The Whites are on the left, the Schraders are on the right, and in the middle is the saddest looking birthday cake ever. Imagine being the person who baked that, or better yet, the poor porn intern (porntern?) who had to pick it up, unable to look the nice old baker in the eyes because he didn’t want him to know that his work will be used as a set decoration in a porn parody of a TV show about meth and cancer. Anyway, over birthday dinner, the two families discuss Skyler’s new emo hair color and Walt’s teaching job (“One of my film students got, like, a million hits on YouTube”) before Hank interrupts the festivities to show everyone something on TV.

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