Last week on Scandal: The President had a baguette in his pants.
I suppose I should begin with the thing where there’s a bomb currently ticking away under a funeral attended by the sitting and prospective Vice Presidents, that the President was supposed to attend, but is not because his Chief of Staff — who knows about the bomb, and has elected to tell no one and let hundreds of people be killed or maimed — is stalling him in the White House until it goes off, in an attempt to lock-up an election that is only six days away.
Or maybe I should start with Mellie — my precious devious spitfire — coming totally goddamn unglued in a vodka-saturated tirade to/at Olivia, screaming about ruining people and watching them burn. (I kind of assume she meant figuratively, but given the white hot rage seeping out between her gritted teeth, I’m not ready to rule out her actually, literally setting people ablaze and laughing maniacally while staring at the flames.) Drunken screaming Mellie is my favorite Mellie, and even if there were very troubling no-funsies issues at the heart of this one, I still think we should try to be positive and cherish any and all arms-flailing tirades we can get. Especially when they are directed at a woman who is trying to play morality police while benefiting from torture and murder in her side gig, which is like having your cake and waterboarding it, too.
Or maybe I should start with the thing where Eli Pope got the hell stabbed out of him in Olivia’s office by her mom, presumably because (a) he shot her lover/co-worker in the face, (b) no one was there to stop her because they were slobbering all over each other while smashing their privates together on the hood of a stranger’s car, and/or (c) reasons related to everyone on the show being terrible and probably deserving to get stabbed anyway.
Nope. Not gonna start with any of that. There are more pressing matters to get to. Namely, the fact that Maya Pope, master terrorist and brilliant criminal mastermind, USES A FLIP PHONE. I know it’s probably a burner, and that she almost definitely snapped it in half and tossed it in a garbage can right after dialing in the activation code for the bomb, but still, that was jarring. It also brings up another point: Today, in 2014, the age of technology, can’t we just start arresting everyone who uses a flip phone, under the assumption that it’s a burner being used for illegal activity? Something to consider.
I’ve been ranting for weeks now about how every character on Scandal does the Eli Pope dra-MAT-ic pro-NUN-ci-A-TION thing, so it was nice of someone to make this video to back me up. Much appreciated.
Rather than use this bottom spot to discuss Huck and Quinn’s disgusting slobbery parking garage sex (which, Jesus Christ, not to go all PTC on you guys, but no thank you to THAT whole spitting/licking fiasco), I would instead like to give a heartfelt shoutout to this little semen-stealing, pinney-wearing monster. You know what my favorite part of her whole deal was? I’ll tell you. It was the thing where she BROUGHT THE USED SEMEM-FILLED CONDOM TO FIELD HOCKEY PRACTICE IN A PAPER BAG. She was carrying it around like that! Presumably all day! Just a bag fulla jizz, sitting on the bench while she and her teammates ran around doing field hockey things. “Hey, what’s in the bag? Snacks? Mind if I grab one? I’m starv-OH GOD IT’S SO MUCH SEMEN.” That could have happened!
She is ruthless and diabolical, and I have no doubt that she will go to Harvard and end up ruling us all.
Next week on Scandal: KABOOM.