Watching one episode of Kurt Sutter’s Sons of Anarchy is more than enough to understand that the characters live in a very different world than the rest of us. What’s considered a normal day in the life of SAMCRO would probably be enough for an average joe to retire and write a New York Times best-seller.
Sure, the gun fights, tragic deaths and constant scheming were always a good hook for the viewers. But you can’t build a good show on just that. The dialogue in-between these climaxes are what kept them interested on a consistent basis.
The lines the cast delivered came out as shocking revelations, emotional confessions or just badass threats. But the most memorable lines were the outlandish things that caught everyone completely off-guard. And no one delivered more wild lines than Alex “Tig” Trager.
So, here’s a list of the most outlandish things that only Tig could get away with saying on Sons of Anarchy.
“I’ll flush their bellies with bleach. No DNA.”
All it took was two episodes for Tig to step up and claim his title as the designated crazy guy in SAMCRO. Having to dispose of dead bodies is the kind of thing you’d expect in a show like this. It comes with the territory. But if Tig being so willing to go the extra mile even gave Clay major pause, what do you think it did to us back home?
“I’m gonna dunk my balls in your mouth. You’re gonna gag. I’m gonna laugh. We’ll be best friends forever.”
In fairness, you can’t really get more intimate than that.
“Oh, thank god. Um, a Doberman pinscher took a chunk of my ass.”
This was the first of multiple times that someone “took a chunk” out of Tig. And only one of them walked on four legs. Learn by Tig’s example, folks. Don’t give an already deadly animal crystal meth. That makes things so much worse than they ever have to be.
“No, I know. I know. But can’t you just turn it up and get, like, you know, the Blue Velvet kind of thing going on.”
You can make a strong case that Tig’s the way he is because of steady drug use. If it wasn’t the initial cause, it definitely didn’t help make him any less insane. It’s not hard to imagine that he tried finding a few new ways to maintain his habits. He was even down to try taking a few hits off of Piney’s oxygen tank.
“Come on, drop ‘em.”
Half-Sack lost a testicle while fighting in Iraq but the nickname got a bit old and he wanted to feel whole, so he got a prosthetic put in. Unfortunately, it got infected and he had to get it removed. But not before Tig got to see it for himself. This wouldn’t be the first time that he ordered someone to drop their pants. But this was definitely the most friendly of them all.
“You’re the best… Chemosabe.”
Even though he deserved all the respect in the world because he was a cop and older than almost everyone in SAMCRO, the club still treated Unser like a little brother. (Or a puppy, depending on how you look at it.) Even family knows better than to make jokes about cancer, but, like most unwritten rules, Tig ignored it and called him “Chemosabe” when he walked by. It happened so quick that Wayne had to stop in his tracks and think about it first.
“I’m all over it. Like he is on his mama.”
This conversation went from bad to worse to the worst thing imaginable. Montez, who Tig was talking to, quickly responded by telling him his mom’s dead. Jax, knowing that Tig’s a degenerate by most people’s standards, let him know that wouldn’t change a thing because Tig already confessed to being a necrophiliac.
“Not the hair man. Not the hair.”
Out of context, this quote sounds completely harmless. But when you remember that it was Tig’s relatively calm response to having someone’s brains land on his face after being shot in the head, it becomes a Tiggy kind of thing to say.
“Not gonna lie to you. Gemma, I’m a very big man and a little bit of lube sometimes, it’s just the humane thing to do.”
Guess Tig never heard of humility, huh? But at least he’s thinking of others.
“I’m terrified… but I’m totally erect.”
Dolls are the scariest thing in the world for Tig (and Kurt Sutter). But, unlike their smaller counterparts, the big, human-sized ones do more than just give him goosebumps.
