The 10 Bloodiest, Booziest Moments From Last Night’s ‘Boardwalk Empire’: ‘Acres Of Diamonds’

Senior Pop Culture Editor
09.23.13 61 Comments

HBO’s Boardwalk Empire is one of the most sprawling and involved shows on TV, with a cast the size of a beer barrel (or at least equal to The Wire). So all this season, the show’s fourth, we’ll be breaking down the 10 most bloody and boozy (and booby) from every season, beginning with last night’s premiere, “Acres of Diamonds.”

1. You know what they say: when you see a machete cutting open a coconut in act one…

machete coconut

2. (Too?) Much of last night’s episode was spent on Willie Thompson reliving the plot of Superbad, 80 years before the movie came out. It’s an easy enough plot to relate to — underage kid tries to impress a cute lady friend of his by scoring booze, so he can score with her — but it felt sorely out of place, and a bit like every “very special episode” I watched growing up. ALL YOUR SCHOOL CHUMS WILL LAUGH AT YOU AND YOUR ERECTION. Superwillie could be making a point about the allure the alcohol game has, and how much Willie thinks he can get away with because of his powerful pops, but for now, I agree with Mickey Doyle’s slapping assessment.

rothstein thompson

3. Last week, a few of you expressed your concerns over the kinder, gentler, doesn’t kill dog-er Richard. As if sensing your anxiety, in “Acres,” he takes off his mask, knifes a man in the gut, and then his sister (whose dry humor I’ll miss dearly) blasts Carl Billings’s head right off. Those Harrows, they act like there’s no one else on Earth, and there won’t be, by the time they’re done painting every wall with brains and blood.

richard blood face

4. Despite already having to check in with 27 stories every week, Boardwalk has developed two new instant-favorite characters this season: Agent Knox, who’s presumably off CRUSHING mailboxes with baseball bats with Hoover, and Sally the Bartender, played by the always welcome Patricia Arquette. The show has always had a hard time drawing up female characters who could go toe to toe with the likes of the male Jersey gangsters, but Sally seems like one of them; she’s your typical no-nonsense dive owner, who isn’t afraid to give Nucky the business. (Hopefully they don’t give each other the biznass; they’re clearly a better platonic couple). We also meet Tucker, the most Florida person to ever happen to Florida (and I’m including Burnsy). He’s an alligator come to life who probably has “Florida: land of money, cunny, and where it’s always sunny” as a bumper sticker on his car. But now we’ll never know, courtesy of a land deal going south.

august deal

5. I could watch this Reefer Madness extra dance all night. /gets put on 57 Internet pervert watch lists

drunk girl dance

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