This year’s Miss America pageant was won by 23-year-old Miss New York Kira Kazantsev and no one anywhere cared, apparently, because the people who run the pageant decided to put funzy little factoids on the screen during each contestants’ talent portion and, mother of God, they were amazing. I could have read them for hours. The good folks at Vulture compiled them all, but below, please find the 10 most ridiculous of the night, as voted on by a team of highly-respected, impartial judges (just me).
10. “Always picked last at kickball”
This one is 1000% funnier if you pretend “Always Picked Last at Kickball” is not only an interesting fact about her, but also the title of the song she is playing, which she wrote herself and sounds a lot like “Brick” by Ben Folds Five.
9. “Loves giraffes”
Same.
8. Wants to take Al Roker’s job
- I hope that’s the puppet talking.
- How in the world has no struggling news station in a small market hired a ventriloquist beauty queen to do the weather? It’s been right there in front of your faces the entire time!
But yeah. Sleep with one eye open, Roker.
7. “Family wrote their own theme song”
Unless your family is currently running through the Alps with Julie Andrews to evade the Nazis or touring the country in a van under the supervision of Reuben Kincaid, this is a terrifying thing to admit to people. Can you imagine going to their house for dinner and seeing, like, nine of them crowded around the piano, dressed alike, singing their family theme song? I’d leave out the window. Door might be booby-trapped.
6. “Nickname growing up was ‘Bob'”
I have about 100 questions for the children she went to school with.
5. “Loves Waffle House”
We’re gonna circle back to this lady in a bit. Hang tight.
4. “Loves anything Jane Austin” (sic)/”Enjoys street hot dogs”
Here’s your winner, Kira Kazantsev playing “Happy” on a red cup like Anna Kendrick. I’m cheating a bit to combine these two into one entry, but I love the idea of her walking up to people and saying “Two things you need to know about me: One, I love Jane Austen. Two, I love street hot dogs. Hi, I’m Kira” too much to abide by my own rules.
3. “Terrified of frogs”
“Okay, tell us something interesting about yourself.”
“I’m terrified of frogs.”
“Well, okay… But how about something light and fu-…”
“TERRIFIED. OF. FROGS.”
“O… okay.”
2. “Attacked by a cheetah in Zambia”
First of all, incredible. That fact popping up on screen while she’s playing the piano in a ball gown is just perfect. Second of all, again, and I’m very serious about this, this is much, much funnier if you pretend it’s the title of the song she’s playing. I hope she makes an album.
1. “Slapped a shark as a kid.”
Loves Waffle House AND slapped a shark? How did she not win? HOW DID WE NOT MAKE HER PRESIDENT IMMEDIATELY? CHECK THE VOTES. CHECK THE VOTES.
