Nobody wanted or asked for an acoustic emo version of the theme to “Family Matters,” yet here it is, ready to transform our hands from creative tools into balled fists of vengeance and destruction. If you must watch this — and really, it’s the kind of terrible that needs to be shared with others — I suggest doing so away from sharp objects. I don’t want any innocent bystanders to get hurt.
If you need to cleanse your palate after that (yes, ears have palates. Look it up), here’s the original. I always appreciate my memories of ABC’s TGIF lineup from the ’90s, because shows like “Family Matters” and “Full House” were the first TV programs I ever hated. Little did I know that hating crappy TV shows would become a job requirement. Hating crappy shows, but not wearing pants. Go figure.