Aziz Ansari‘s post-Parks and Recreation career has been defined by modern relationships. His stand-up special was all about the perils of modern dating, and Ansari even wrote a book on the topic entitled Modern Romance. With the upcoming release of his new Netflix show, Master of None, it seems that Ansari still has insight to bring to the issues that plague the human quest for connection.
Ansari’s Parks and Rec alter ego (Tom Haverford, also known as Tommy Fresh), on the other hand, wasn’t so much full of insight as he was full of it and himself when it came to love. And even though he does eventually find happiness with the way-too-good-for-him Lucy, it was a very bumpy road paved with weird abbreviations and bad decisions. But while that may have, at times, been painful to watch, there was value, so let’s take a look at some of Tom’s “greatest” relationship tips so that we might learn from them and never actually repeat them.
Engage in a battle of wills by eating really hot peppers in order to impress your ex-wife.
It was hard not to feel sorry for Tom when he lost his green card wife to Ron, but it’s safe to say that Tom does not handle it well. He and Wendy were never really together, but the poor bastard caught himself some feelings anyway. Challenging Ron Swanson, uber-man, to a hot pepper eat off was never going to end well for poor Tom, though. Searing pain and embarrassment was the only possible outcome.
Encourage others to take the high road so you have the low road all to yourself.
Mark was a forgettable blip on the Parks and Recreation landscape, but his interactions with Tom were actually pretty hilarious. When Mark is debating whether or not he should ask out Ann, Tom actually gives him solid advice, telling him to always take the high road. However, this was all just a part of some relationship game theory, leaving the low road open for Tommy Fresh to take.
Don’t be yourself. A fake accent will get you a long way.
To be fair, most people would do whatever it takes to get a date with Orphan Black star Tatiana Maslany. When Nadia wanted to reserve the park for a hospital fundraiser, Tom decided that the best way to reel her in would be to don a fake as hell British accent and keep screwing up her forms so she would repeatedly have to return to the Parks and Rec office. While, yes, this tactic does blow up in his face, it does also get him a date, so maybe this isn’t the worst advice after all.
Don’t treat your ex like an actual human woman.
If any of your relationship practices include the phrase “at least that’s what they do on Entourage,” abandon ship immediately. Calling an ex “crazy” just because she no longer wanted to date you is pretty dehumanizing, and definitely a practice that should be avoided. Tom learned eventually, but it was a long time getting there.
Have an ‘On No No’ list.
Finding a compatible partner is important, but having a list of petty dos and don’ts isn’t going to end well for you. Having diametrically opposed political views is a deal breaker. Whether or not she knows who Ginuwine is probably shouldn’t be.
Don’t text back right away.
What? Do you want your date to actually know that you like them?! No! These kind of mind games come right out of the player’s handbook, and Tom should really send this advice right through the paper shredder. Somehow, “what’s crackin’?” feels even worse than “u up?”
Employ her and let her walk all over you. Especially if it’s your best friend’s sister.
Having one Saperstein in his life was already bad enough, but eventually Tom got roped into employing Jean-Ralphio’s sister, Mona Lisa (Jenny Slate), and eventually dated her. This had “bad news” written all over it from the start, because Mona Lisa was always going to take advantage of Tom every chance she got. Tom had actually found some success with Tommy Swag, and unreliable employees like Mona Lisa were always going to hold him back. She may have never stretched her hand out and demanded “money pleeeeeeease,” but that would have been the inevitable conclusion if he hadn’t have broken up with her. The sex just wasn’t worth the crazy.
Peacock.
Sure, it’s good to find a way to be unique and distinctive, but peacocking takes that to an extreme. If you have to be flashy to get someone’s attention, you’re only going to have to escalate it continuously in order to keep their attention. Plus, a bucket hat, Tom? It’s not 1996.
Wear her down.
While serenading your boo with a smooth R&B apology jam is a solid move, getting your girlfriend by “wearing her down” is not the best way to approach things. Tom and Ann were never going to be a lasting couple, but… no, this whole relationship was a giant question mark from the beginning.
Flirt with married ladies.
Flirting can be harmless fun, but flirting with married folks tends to go badly. Either their spouse will beat you up, or that person will demand to see the receipts when they’re single again. After years of shamelessly flirting with Joan in order to get ahead, Tom eventually is faced with the horrifying realization that yes, she is going to powder her vagina, and yes, it is for him.
