“This is so New Orleans, it’s unbelievable.” -Emeril Laggase introducing the new season of the world’s best and sometimes worst reality television program.
It’s Top Chef. In New Orleans. It’s going to be gimmicky. It’s going to be infuriating. And ultimately, it’s going to want to make you lick your television and move to the French Quarter. I love this show. You should love this show. Just know that sometimes it’s awful. With that said, what follows are the random thoughts that came to mind last night as I watched the show.
The first cheftestant we meet is Sarah. Her style is rockabilly and she works for Wolfgang Puck. I will pay so much money to hear Wolfgang say “rockabilly.”
Now we’re meeting a whole bunch of chefs and I can’t keep up. There’s Jason Chiconski, AND OH HE SEXY. He was named Philly’s sexiest chef. People think he’s a douchebag, until he throws down in the kitchen. Oh, and he’s wearing pink shorts. He wants people in his dining room to like what they see in addition to liking what they eat. I hate him so much I can’t even remember what Josie did to annoy me.
He immediately runs into his friend Nick. BRO HUG!
“You look like you just got off of a yacht, man.” -Nick
“You look like…your wife just picked out your clothes.” -Jason
Burn.
I will bet everyone in the world a dollar that Nick secretly hates Jason. Or maybe it turns out that they’re both awful. They are from Philadelphia, after all.
Jason is really CRUSHING his bottle of designer water. But wait, there’s more reality show eye candy coming!
“My name is Janine Booth, and I’m originally from Pert, Australia.”
Oh god, she’s pretty AND she talks all funny.
“The fact that I’m not so ugly, usually it’s a something that I have to get people to overcome.”
Yeah, maybe don’t say things like that ever again?
Bene is a New Yorker who could become the first Top Gay Chef (Remember, Kristen is adamantly not gay despite having short hair and a matching tattoo with her also not gay roommate and appearing in all of those dreams I had). Also, I’m pretty sure he was a sous chef on Top Chef Masters. Regardless, my fingers are crossed that he tsks Hugh Acheson’s eyebrow grooming at some point this season.
Meanwhile, Bene shook Janine’s hand and there was all kinds of boob shaking going on. The space below this is just words because I don’t know how to GIF.
Bene moves on and introduces himself to a lovely Chinese woman.
“Where are you from?”
“Las Vegas.”
“That’s…strange.”
“That’s strange?”
“Uh…I’m just thinking about this weekend, and not about how you’re obviously not from Las Vegas.” (not a direct quote)
Shirley Chung actually grew up in Beijing, but she’s not your typical little Chinese girl, which is good because she was allowed to live. OHHHH, THAT’S NOT COOL, JACK.
Shirley has run kitchens for Thomas Keller, Mario Battali, Jose Andres and probably ten other people whose cookbooks cost more than two entrees at your favorite neighborhood restaurant. Seriously though that’s a great resume that will probably put the other cheftestants on tilt.
Everyone is milling about on their awesome New Orleans balcony talking about how nobody there is actually from New Orleans. I wonder if the next chef who walks in…yeah he’s from New Orleans. It’s Brett from La Petite Grocery. Another Beard nominee, and the winner of the pre-season Padma Picks cook-off that was available On Demand and that nobody else on the planet watched besides me because I live a sad sad life.
There are two chefs from Chicago. They don’t know each other, but they know each others restaurants. That’s because they both have Michelin stars. Hmmm, maybe nobody will be intimidated by Shirley’s celebrity stacked resume.
By my count there are now 37 people talking uncomfortably amongst themselves in the common area of this house. Somebody mentions that there are 19 beds, so my math may be off. Regardless, this season is already looking interminable. Unless they cut five people immediately for not being attractive enough and/or not possessing a requisite level of industry credibility. We’ll probably find out soon. In the meantime, everyone looks like they really want a cigarette. Wacky chefs with their black lungs and tainted palates.
Finally, here’s Padma and Tom. And no sign of the fire marshall. Probably off collecting po’boys filled with cash and remoulade. Get your sh*t together, New Orleans. This house is on the verge of collapse.
What do you make of this development, Stephanie Cmar?
“Sh*t was real and then sh*t got really really really real.”
Oh, Stephanie. You’re high.
Janine announces that she has to pee. Damn it, Tom, that’s not supposed to make you aroused. Besides, it’s time to cook.
Tom wants everyone to tap into the culture of New Orleans. This could mean literally anything other than Hurricanes on Bourbon Street.
No quickfire, right to the elimination.
“You’ll be cooking in the heart of the Louisiana swamp.”
Noooooooooooooooo. Save some awful for the finals, you guys. This challenge is already the worst thing possible.
Wait! I’ve spoken too soon. Tom has beads!
BEADS!
Everyone gets beads with some stupid animal on it and that’s what you have to cook. Everyone gets turtle, gator or frog. Nobody looks relieved that they are cramming every goofy Louisiana thing into one episode. Maybe they’ll be more excited when Les Miles is the surprise guest judge?
The chefs get two hours in the Top Chef kitchen, then another two hours to prepare food in the swamp. Because the Cafe Du Monde doesn’t have enough BTU’s, obviously.
100 diners are invited to this swamp dinner, and they will each be handing out Mardis Gras beads because Bravo assumes that these are legal tender in New Orleans and all surrounding territories. The top three bead-getters will compete for the win, the bottom three will be up for elimination. Somewhere off camera Janine is trying to slip out of her bra.
Both of the Padma’s Picks winners are immune for this challenge, so they may as well start drinking.
Toyota shopping spree!
Michael is giving everybody a tour of the city, and nobody even pretends to give a sh*t.
Oh hey, there’s another potential first Top Gay Chef. The twist is, he only dates Asians. He also cooks Asian. Food, not guys. That wouldn’t be gay, that would be murder.
Carrie is nervous about cooking frog, and rightfully so. Nobody knows how to cook frog properly, especially people from Iowa who don’t have fancy tire companies awarding them pointy French shapes of merit. I propose that this is what we call Michelin stars from now on.
So we have a beautiful Aussie, two gay guys who are in no danger of hooking up because one is gay-racist, a rockabilly chick, a horrible Philly douchebag, and one guy who is already annoying the sh*t out of people because he won’t shut the f*ck up about New Orleans. It’s a good group, but I feel like we’re missing a steampunk cheftestant, and one vegan who had no idea she’d have to touch dead animals on a cooking show.
Hey, Stephanie is Kristen’s friend from the first episode of Season 10! I totally missed that while taking an unfortunately timed screencap of her looking stoned while saying “sh*t” over and over.
“Carlos, I added my mushrooms to one of your pots of butter.” And with that, we have our first Chicago on Chicago sabotage of the season. Game on, jerks.
Carlos is one of those Chicago chefs with the French pointy star of merit, and he’s an early rooting favorite. He came into the country illegally, he worked his way up from a dishwasher and now he’s here to f*ck sh*t up. Meanwhile, Bravo is subtitling everything he says even though he’s easier to understand than Emeril after a cocktail.
And now everyone is looking at Janine’s butt. Come on, you pigs, she’s a professional like the rest of you.
“Wow, if she cooks as good as she looks she’s gonna be at the top.” -One a-hole cheftestants
“What is this for, boo? Your flavors smell great, baby.” -Another a-hole cheftestant
“She’s wearing cutoffs and studded sandals and I would like to give her a thigh massage.” -Me
The guy with the pink yacht shorts who thinks he’s pretty cut himself the second Tom Colicchio walked up to his station. Perfect. Maybe he’ll bleed to death.
And now we learn that the self-styled rockabilly cheftestant cooks at the Minneapolis airport. Hey, that’s pretty cool. I didn’t even know Minneapolis had an airport. I like her now because she just referred to Wolfgang Puck as her “previous employer,” as opposed to “Wolfy” or something.
This lady from Iowa definitely wins the most adorable. She’s totally overwhelmed, but hopefully puts out something awesome.
Meanwhile, we’re just now being introduced to Patty Vega, who just happens to work for David Burke. So yeah, this season is loaded, and I feel like we’ve only met half of the chefs. As always, this show is the worst/best/worst.
CUT TO JANINE RUNNING AROUND IN CUTOFFS BECAUSE TELEVISION!
Some guy I saw in the background earlier is apparently an undefeated muay thai fighter. He’s making turtle dashi that may or may not make people violently ill. But hey, he’s undefeated, right?
They’re done cooking in the kitchen, so back to the house they go. And Emeril brings everybody beignets. Where’s the café au lait, superstar?
Finally, we’re ready to cook at the swamp. But guess what, everything is in a million pieces and conditions are not ideal. It’s almost like this is an episode of Top Chef.
“I thought this was supposed to be hard.” -Jason, who took all of one challenge to make everyone else hate him as much as I do. There is no chance that his dish isn’t terrible.
Jason just tried to flip his hair by tossing his head back. It didn’t move. Because he’s in a swamp. Maybe he’ll drown.
So, guys, what did you think of Patty’s alligator?
Moving on…
Sarah, Nina and Carrie had the top three dishes.
That’s rockabilly, St. Lucia and Iowa for those of you who haven’t been able to associate 19 names with faces as of yet. The winner of the first challenge is Nina for her curried turtle meatballs.
Aaron, Ramon and Patty are up for elimination. Aaron wanted to make pasta. Reminder: They are in a swamp. He admits that it was a terrible idea. Ramon’s dashi was watered down by ice, then he neglected to cook it down to intensify flavors. So it sucked. Go home, Ramon. Aaaand, Patty is crying, so maybe she is going home. You can’t cry in front of Tom. The only thing Tom hates more than self-pity is Tea Party followers on Twitter.
In the end it’s Ramon packing his knives and leftover turtle meat. Enjoy Last Chance Kitchen, Mr. Muay Thai. You only have to beat 76 people to move on to the finals. Next time don’t ice yo’ dashi.
No Top Chef Power Rankings this week. We’ll start in on those just as soon as I can remember everyone’s name.
Coming up this season on Top Chef: David Chang! Dumpsters! Sabotage! Douchebags from Philly! John Besh (duh)! Glee?! Parades staged to act as a backdrop for Padma! It’s gonna be the worst, you guys.
