This week on Top Chef, the show featured “Beefsteak,” an “annual beef bacchanalia” based on an early 20th century tradition, where working men would gather to put on aprons, eat meat with their hands, and probably touch mustaches. These days, it’s a charity event that “that caters to Hollywood’s TV comedy elite,” according to the Hollywood Reporter. Top Chef, however, didn’t do a great job of explaining that at the time. So when Colin Hanks just sort of showed up in the next scene, most viewers were probably like, “Hey, what’s Colin Hanks doing here? Not again! Get outta here, Colin Hanks! Shoo! Shoo!”
At least as far as the food was concerned, the gist of the challenge was “manly food you eat with your hands,” which briefly turned every judge into Howie Long in one of those Chevy commercials. (“Nice truck, pussy, do they make one for men?”) The challenge, as far as we saw Padma explain it, had been to “prepare a traditional Beefsteak menu for 200 people. One seafood dish, one meat dish, two sides. The rules are: no utensils, no plates, no napkins.”
Fairly straightforward. Only, once the judging began, that challenge had morphed into “No girly food, you peter puffers!”
It made for an odd scene, the judges suddenly gone abusive dad, the contestants totally blindsided by the complete 180. “What is this, a f*cking micro-green?!”
“B-b-but… I learned it from watching you!”
I kind of have to side with the contestants on this one. All they knew was no utensils, they didn’t realize a Top Chef challenge was going to turn into the Stanford Prison Experiment of food. Anyway, it was great TV.
The quickfire challenge was based on a “famous” Instagram account, @ChefJacquesLaMerde (yes, “merde” means sh*t), a haute cuisine parody with 30,000 followers. They promised a big reveal and introduced us to the word “soigné,” which is like “swag,” only more obnoxious.
At first I thought, “Oh great, another social media celebrity got an agent.” But the ensuing challenge, to create fussy-looking Instagram dishes using junk food, was actually kind of fun. The “big reveal” was that “Jacques La Merde” is actually Christine Flynn, a girl. Cool? I kind of saw the girl part coming, but she does appear to be an actual chef, and not a hip L.A. twentysomething with a development deal, so that was a pleasant surprise. Prior to this, she was known mostly as the plane passenger who was asked to change seats to accommodate an ultra-Orthodox Jew. Anyway.
Being that it was a plating challenge, it induced Phillip to drop one of the top-10 food show clichés: “You eat with your eyes first.”
Of course it was f*cking Phillip (the Ph stands for “Phasion Victim”). Not to brag, but I believe I wrote in my Top Chef primer…
If Top Chef goes an entire season without anyone saying “we eat with our eyes first,” it will be a miracle.
Meanwhile, in Isaac’s interview, he says “People who say ‘you eat with your eyes first’ should be stabbed with a pork chop bone,” which is why Isaac is the best person on this show. I’d like to think they cut out the part where Isaac said, “Ain’t that right, Peppah,” to his lizard sidekick wearing a straw hat, who licked his eyeball in approbation.
Okay, enough recap, to the rankings.
Quickfire Challenge: Make a Jacques La Merde-style dish using junk food to try to get the most Instagram likes.
Winner: Karen, with 5,795 likes.
Elimination Challenge: Teams of three, prepare a traditional Beefsteak menu for 200 people. Seafood dish, meat dish, two sides. No utensils, no plates, no napkins. Teams: Phillip, Amar, and Jeremy; Isaac, Marjorie, and Chad; Carl, Kwame, and Karen.
Winning Team: Amar, Jeremy, Phillip. Winner: Phillip.
Losing Team: Marjorie, Chad, Isaac. Loser: Chad.
1. Jeremy (even)
Nickname(s): Fratdad, Totino
Quickfire Review(s): “This is beautiful.”
Elimination Dish: Fried brussels sprouts with bacon, sweet and sour sauce with cilantro; Roasted carrots with spiced yogurt.
Jeremy was on the winning team again this week, as he has been virtually every challenge. He doesn’t seem like he’s been knocking it out of the park. He made brussels sprouts with bacon this week, I can make brussels sprouts with bacon. But he just doesn’t make any mistakes. It feels like he’s just going to breeze to any easy victory being chill, which would fit this season’s California theme. Until they outlaw crudo, Jeremy feels like a stone-cold lock.
2. Amar (+2)
Nickname(s): Big Sleazy
Quickfire Review: “Wow.” “Amazing, thank you.”
Elimination Dish: Grilled Halibut with Mustard Vinaigrette, Cucumber, and Pickled Red Onion
Elimination Review(s): “Serving halibut in these little filets seems a little pansy to me.” “Tastes good, but this was really kind of just dainty.”
Notable Quote(s): “I remember when I used to be a dickhead like Phillip.” (Paraphrasing.)
I know, this is a bold move, putting Amar ahead of Karen, but there’s a method to my madness here (besides the fact that he cooked me a paella): Amar cooked a real entree and got dinged solely for not adhering to the challenge, while Karen won a quickfire that didn’t require edible food and cooked a side dish. Amar looks poised to excel in a challenge that isn’t being judged mainly on butchness.
3. Karen (+3)
Nickname(s): Rosie the Riveter, Hot Topic
Quickfire Review(s): “This is so beautiful.”
Elimination Dish: Asparagus with Chori. Potatoes and Olives.
Elimination Dish Review(s): “I really enjoyed the asparagus.”
Notable Quote(s): “I’m gonna put me on a plate, with a big pink stripe down the middle.”
Top Chef Moratorium: Joining “You eat with your eyes first” and “I can’t believe I’m cooking for ___, he’s a legend!” will be “Me on a plate.”
Including the quickfire this week, I guess I have to recognize that Karen has strung together some solid victories. Though I can’t really put her higher for reasons outlined above. Karen seems like a favorite, but I’m dying for her to do something, anything, memorable. She’s like the Russell Wilson of Top Chef.
4. Marjorie (-2)
Nickname(s): Mike Ms.Abella, Sheyore, Underdog
Quickfire Review(s): “Pig’s ear spaghetti is really trending right now, so that’s really a neat play.”
Elimination Dish: Assorted Picked Vegetables and Milk Bread.
Elimination Dish Review(s): “Milk bread’s good.” “Bread’s good.” “I think you’re the best baker ever to appear on this show.”
Notable Quote(s): “I can understand why Phillip is such a dickhead.” (Paraphrasing.)
Marjorie won last week and had Tom call her “the best baker to ever appear on this show,” which is high praise, but also backhanded, and telling. Marjorie seems like she excels at bread, dessert, pickled veg — anything that requires refinement and high-level skills — but doesn’t require being in the spotlight. Marjorie seems like she definitely has the cooking skills to win this competition, but desperately needs to discover her inner gloryboy. Her dickhead id. To be a little more like Phillip.
5. Carl (even)
Nickname(s): Ol Whatshisface, Him?
Quickfire Review: “I think this is beautiful.” [Quickfire critiques weren’t very creative this week, let’s be honest.]
Elimination Dish: Roast Strip Loin with Romesco.
Elimination Dish Review(s): “That’s such a big platter for something that’s so… [frowning].” “A piece of meat that I can pick up and dip into sauce was great.”
Notable Quote(s): “Hi, everyone, I’m Carl, remember me?… Anyone?” (Paraphrasing.)
Carl cooked what looked like the best, and most theme-appropriate dish this week, and it did nothing to raise his stock in this competition. Thus far, Carl is memorable mainly for managing to be even less memorable than Karen. Carl should just start murdering the other contestants, no one would ever be able to pick him out of a line-up. He could be the last remaining contestant on the show, and the producers would be looking through two-way glass at the police station going “That guy? Are you sure he was on the show? Hmmm, doesn’t ring a bell.”
6. Kwame (+1)
Nickname(s): Wormser, The Prodigy
Quickfire Review(s): “This is the first one that you could eat.” “Pretty soigné.”
Elimination Dish: Peel and Eat Shrimp with Aromatic Butter
Elimination Dish Review(s): “The shrimp is a no go.” “Bet you’ll only eat one of these.” “Just really bitter.” “That’s too salty.” “Salty and mealy.”
Notable Quote(s): “I used to sell drugs.”
Kwame opened this week’s episode with a BOMBSHELL: He used to be drug dealer! And he was really good at it, because of course he was! This after the previous reveal that he sold candy on the subway to fund his pop-up restaurant. It’s like Kwame stole this season’s human interest angles and kept them all for himself. Can we just have a show about Kwame? Kwame the Chef, it could be called, where he just cooks awesome food and seems like a great guy while inspiring kids to follow their dreams.
That said, Kwame is way down on the list because he was on the bottom again and can’t blame it on his dad this time. You screwed up peel-and-eat shrimp? What’s happening to you, Kwame?! That said, Kwame is so likable that he managed to not get eliminated, even after cooking inedible food.
This was Padma’s face while tasting Kwame’s dish:
7. Phillip (+2)
Nickname(s): Chef Top Knot, The Weez
Quickfire Review(s): “Alright, thank you,” via Padma, who really meant “Okay, get the f*ck off the stage now, Phillip.”
Elimination Dish: New Zealand Rack of Lamb With Prune Jam
Elimination Dish Review(s): “This on the bone, pulling it off, was the one moment I had where I felt like I was grabbing meat, pulling it off, like a satisfied king or whatever.” “It was too sweet for me.”
Notable Quote(s): “I’m just going to be myself.” (OH GOD NO)
You might plausibly argue that Phillip deserves to be higher than seven, on account of he won this week. But the judges hate him so much that it felt like a begrudging victory. Phillip is going to have to cook perfect food for the judges to give him any credit. I’m torn, because I also hate Phillip, but he’s frequently the most entertaining part of the show. The montage of exasperated faces while Phillip searched to find the perfect angle for his Instagram picture was perfection. (I was an art major so I kind of understand, but it was still funny.) Was that genuine or completely manufactured by the editors? I don’t even care. If they manufactured it, they did an incredible job.
8. Isaac (even)
Nickname(s): Cornbread
Quickfire Review(s): “Wow, that’s next level.” “Nice job, bud.”
Elimination Dish: Chicken and Bacon Sausage (40% Bacon) with Grilled Cabbage
Elimination Dish Reviews: “That’s what we’re talkin’ about!” “This is what I wanted to see.” “It’s interesting, I’m not sure it’s great.” “There’s not enough fat in the sausage and it’s under-seasoned.” “This looked rad! And it did not taste rad!” [Oh shut up, Colin Hanks, why are you even here? Shoo! Go away, Colin Hanks!]
Notable Quote(s): “I stand behind this dish.”
WHAT DID I SAY! NEVER STAND BEHIND A DISH THE JUDGES DIDN’T LIKE, YOU FOOL!
Ugh. Whither Cornbread? I love Isaac so much, and his food always looks the best. He made a sausage with 40% bacon this week, for Christ’s sake. And they still called it dry! Do you know what kind of public humiliation that is in Cajun Country? It’s like they walked up to him in front of everyone and ripped the crawdad drawing off his bib. Heartbreaking. In that moment, Peppah took the straw hat off his head and put it over his heart. Sad to say, but the fact that Isaac’s food always looks delicious and never seems to escape criticism leads me to believe he’s not long for this competition.
9. Chad (-6) ((Eliminated))
Nickname(s): Rad Chad
Quickfire Review: “Excellent use of negative space.”
Elimination Dish: Ash-Seared Ahi With Citrus, Pickled Beets, Radish, and Black Sesame
Elimination Review: “Tuna’s not the right vehicle.” “What the hell is a microgreen doing sitting there?” “No microgreens on a beefsteak.”
Notable Quote(s): “And my mom told me, ‘Chad, that’s a canvas: paint on it with food.'” [This story is either complete bullsh*t or Chad’s mom is a character in a bad rom-com.]
“I can’t wrap my mind around plating food that doesn’t look appetizing.” [You shouldn’t try, no one told you to do that and you know it.]
Part of me feels for Rad Chad this week, because it was only a perfect confluence of events that got him kicked off. The judges all dinged him for his dish being too girly. “Nice microgreens, bro. They match your micro dick.” “Yeah, I think I mighta bit into your tampon.”
This despite the fact that Rad Chad is a goddamn military veteran. Rad Chad doesn’t have to justify his manliness, you Hollywood pussies! You wouldn’t know masculinity if it cupped your balls in the shower!
Also, no one ever seemed to acknowledge the fact that there isn’t really a seafood equivalent of messy ribs. Crab legs, maybe? Kwame’s dish was inedible, but he also came closest to fulfilling the “messy seafood dish” challenge. Eliminating Phillip is always an option, but he was on the winning team this week. Who did that leave? Poor Chad and his dickless microgreens. Tough luck, Rad Chad. Thank you for your service, and please don’t ever call your plate a canvas again.
This Week’s Food Rant: Peel and Eat Shrimp
Every time someone cooks shrimp on a food show it’s “Oh, it’s so cool you left the shell on,” or “I really wish you would’ve left the shell on.” Or when they don’t, they get dinged for not de-veining the shrimp. You know what you can’t do to a shrimp with the shell on? Take the vein out. Food shows (and the food world in general) needs to make a goddamned decision. Either taking the vein out is important or it isn’t. I’m leaning towards the idea that it isn’t.
Vince Mancini is a writer and comedian living in San Francisco. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.
