Modern Family (ABC, 9 p.m.) – Season finale. Everyone has to go to Florida because Phil’s mom passes away. Talk about a double whammy.
Law & Order: SVU (NBC, 9 p.m.) – Season finale. From TV Guide: “A man exposes himself in the park and is arrested, but it turns out to be more than a routine arrest. The mysterious criminal hides his true identity and outwits the detectives, eventually putting Benson’s life in jeopardy.” Every week with the stuff.
Nashville (ABC, 10 p.m.) – Season finale. The first season comes to a close, as Rayna performs at the CMA Awards with Brad Paisley. I am not this show’s target demo.
Chicago Fire (NBC, 10 p.m.) – Season finale. There’s “an unstable situation at the Cook County jail” tonight, which I have chosen to assume means that the inmates have acquired a large quantity of plutonium.
Criminal Minds (CBS, 9 p.m.) – Season finale. Back-to-back episodes tonight, one of which involves a bunch of ecstasy overdoses in Manhattan. I vote we just roll this show and SVU into one series called You Will Die If You Go Outside. Huge ratings. Huge.
MasterChef (Fox, 8 p.m.) – Season premiere. Gordon Ramsay is back to yell at more amateur cooks for overcooking fish or undercooking chicken or whatever the hell other small, fixable transgression causes him to throw a red-faced tantrum like a spoiled 8-year-old.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Alyssa Milano and Ludacris are on a repeat of Kimmel; Woody Harrelson is on Letterman; Stephen Fry is on Ferguson; Vin Diesel and Jeff Foxworthy are on Leno; Dana Carvey and Elisabeth Moss are on Fallon; Jesse Eisenberg and J.J. Abrahms on Conan; and Bill O’Reilly is on Stewart.