Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC) – Tonight’s episode is the show’s 300th. Three hundred. You’d think by now people would know that the abbreviation for “Special Victims Unit” is SVU, not SUV. Talk to a stupid person. You’ll see what I mean.
World Series (Fox) – The Tigers and Giants face off tonight in Game 1. Andrew Sharp at SB Nation did a fantastic parody of trolling sportswriters yesterday, which, if you are like me and your blood pressure shoots up to 400/275 every time you read an article by some newspaper hack, you will probably enjoy. (Related: I miss Fire Joe Morgan.)
Modern Family (ABC) – The neighbors pressure Claire to keep her Halloween celebration more kid-friendly. I’m sure she handles this request with the dignity and quiet grace of a young Princess Diana.
South Park (Comedy Central) – The boys are forced to Trick-or-Treat using Face Time, presumably because one or more of the town’s adults has started acting like a crazy person. South Park has been hitting triples and home runs all year so far.
American Horror Story: Asylum (FX) – As I said last week, I do not watch this show because it looks scary. Also, because Ryan Murphy tells a story with all the subtlety of getting kicked in the face by a horse. (RIP Don Draper’s dad.)
Arrow (The CW) – Here is the problem: I keep meaning to check this show out, but I keep forgetting The CW is a thing. Some days my brain convinces itself that Gossip Girl is actually a show on Fox, probably due to Josh Schwartz’s involvement. The lesson here is that I am bad at my job.
Sausage Paradise (Travel Channel) – AYYYYY! I GOT YA SAUSAGE PAR-A-DISE RIGHT HEE-AH! OH! [grabs crotch, lives with mother until age 34]
LATE-NIGHT GUESTS: AXL ROSE IS ON KIMMEL I REPEAT AXL ROSE IS ON KIMMEL; Bill O’Reilly and Snooki are on Letterman; Susan Sarandon is on Ferguson; President Obama is on Leno; Rod Stewart, Jennifer Morrison, and Chris D’elia are on Fallon; and Rainn Wilson and Elisha Cuthbert are on Conan.