For three seasons of Veronica Mars, Marshmallows were given the gift of one of the snarkiest and smartest teen protagonists of all time. While the premise of a teenaged detective balancing school, love, and tracking down perps may seem a little trite, creator Rob Thomas and star Kristen Bell infused the series with a wit that so many shows of its ilk are missing. While Veronica’s greatest sense of satisfaction may have come from putting the bad guys behind bars, a close second was definitely getting said bad guys to admit that “Veronica Mars is smarter than me.” And that’s something that we can all relate to, because everyone has that moment when they look around and realize that they’re the smartest person in the room. It may not happen as often as it does to Veronica (it helps to have your own television show and the writers that come with), but you just might find yourself in need of a quip to prove your sassy prowess. So, the next time you need to take a jerk down a peg or two, channeling your inner Veronica and spouting off these one-liners may come in handy.
“It’s like you’re this giant jackass piñata.”
You could just call someone a jackass and call it a day, but where is the artistry in that? You’re more than capable of painting a better word picture than that. When you need to truly eviscerate someone in an eloquent way, using the piñata as metaphor is a way to truly convey the true depths of idiocy into which your enemy has plunged.
“Do you even know how to play poker?” — Logan
“No… but it must be really hard if all you guys play it.” — Veronica
There will come a time when someone will question your smarts. Whether they are just underestimating your intelligence or want to belittle you to make themselves feel better, it’s best to remind them who the true mastermind is. Couched in a backhanded compliment, your dumbest enemies may not even pick up on your next level sarcasm.
“Shut up! If I want you to speak, I’ll wave a sausage over your nose.”
The next time someone decides that cruelty is the best way to handle conflict, remind them that their words mean nothing to you. If you want to hear what they have to say, you’ll ask. Until then, they can go along being a jerk without warranting your attention.
“You know what’s really disturbing about you? Other than everything?”
Sometimes you’ll be faced with people who are so unbelievably stupid that you will have to take a beat to soak it all in. When faced with this level of disturbing dumbness, you are almost morally obligated to call them out for the nonsense that they’re spewing.
“Why do you insist on pissing me off?”
When faced with a host of dummies, you may find your patience start to wane. In order to properly communicate your displeasure to these lesser mortals, speak slowly and get to the point. By asking them why they are driving you mad, you may send them down the path of introspection, assuming they can find it.
“This face? Right here? My over-the-moon-face.”
Everyone needs to have their poker face ready, especially when you’re smarter than those around you. No one wants to be the smirking asshole; you may be smarter than everyone else, but you don’t want to be a total jerk about it. The time may come for you to break out your own “over-the-moon” face, so use it wisely.
“The sheriff wants a to have a word with you.” — Deputy Sacks
“My answer is final, I will not go to prom with him.” — Veronica Mars
You probably have that one special person who is a constant pain in your side. Everywhere you turn, there they are, screwing up your plans with their incompetence. They deserve a special kind of put-down, one that reminds them that even on their best day, they better not mess with you.
“I have that exact same platitude-a-day calendar at home. It’s how I know beauty comes from within.”
Being the smartest in the room means not putting up with anyone’s bulls*t. You’ve probably moved passed the cheesy quotes that litter Pinterest and Instagram, so the next time someone starts talking about how that (incorrectly attributed) Marilyn Monroe quote changed their whole perspective on life and love, remind them that that kind of garish nonsense isn’t for you.
“Should I check myself before I wreck myself?”
With intelligence often comes braggadocio, and this confidence may make you a bit reckless. You’ve considered the risk in a situation, and you’ve decided that it’s worth it. However, people may still question your methods. Though they’re probably wrong, some brief pandering probably doesn’t hurt. Listen to what they have to say, and do whatever it was that you were going to do anyway.
“So it’s big, huh?”
Has there ever been a better way to shut down a humblebrag? The next time some idiot is bragging about his family’s money or how much tail he got last weekend, calling his manhood into question is probably the swiftest way to shut them up. Lesser minds may have been taken in by such foolishness, but you’ve perfected the smart aleck game.