Woo-hoo, three-day weekend! I’ve got the standard Weekend Preview (plus Monday) up front here, then some of the highlights from all the marathons being shown after the jump. That said, your TV ain’t goin’ anywhere. You have two chores this weekend: 1) Go outside. 2) Call a veteran you know and thank them. Anything else is gravy.
Game of Thrones (HBO, Sunday) – No show has been as committed to nudity, violence, and incest since the heyday of Jerry Springer.
Friday Night Lights (NBC, Friday) – Look. I don’t watch this show, and, despite dozens of claims I’ve made over the years, it doesn’t look like I’m going to start. I know it’s good. Yell at me if it makes you feel better.
Legally Blonde (VH1, Friday) – This movie is full of sh-t. I mean, in three years of law school, I wasn’t assigned A SINGLE first-degree murder case. Talk about a letdown.
The Bachelorette (ABC, Monday) – Last week, one dude got wasted as all holy hell, passed out, and was promptly sent home. I hope to God he becomes the next Bachelor and they title it “The Bachelor: Shots?”
Platinum Hit (Bravo, Monday) – Disgusting brownie thief Kara Diguardi’s new reality show, where, I assume, she eats strangers out of house and home or something. I’ll never know for sure.
Surprise Homecoming (TLC, Monday) – A reality-ish show where families of members of the military are surprised when their loved ones come home to visit. This is… this is nice, TLC. As long as you don’t have some dipsh-t douchemullet like Billy Ray Cyrus hosting it. (*looks to see who’s hosting it*) Guh. Nevermind.
MARATHONS (full list here)
Monster Movies (Syfy, Friday) – I just spent 20 minutes coming up with a fake plot for one called “Megasharktodonkeypuss vs. NancyGracigator.” That is all.
Military Movies (TCM/AMC, all weekend) – Lots and lots of them.
Doctor Who (BBC America, Saturday) – I feel like this is a show for dorks. If someone could confirm this rash generalization I’ve made after doing literally zero research, I would appreciate it greatly. Thanks.
Futurama (Comedy Central, Saturday morning) – Why that’s a FANTASTIC thing to watch while I’m laying in bed hungover!
Arrested Development (IFC, Monday) – If you have the type of family that sits down and watches a few hours of this show together, I would like to move in with you. I’m not very messy.
NCIS/Two and a Half Men (USA/FX, Monday) – UNDISPUTED SCIENCE FACT: Anyone who watches these marathons is also a fan of Guy Fieri and Nickelback, and probably puts ketchup on their hot dog like some kind of animal.
Law & Order (TNT, Monday) – I will probably watch no fewer than four episodes of this marathon. I bet I watch six episodes of “Law & Order” a week. Hi, I’m 1000 years old.
Take it home, Ray.