Nothing like a three day weekend. But let’s not forget why we get Monday off. We owe a debt of gratitude to everyone who has served in the armed forces, especially those who gave their life in doing so. So on Memorial Day, sleep in, start drinking early, and fire up the grill. But before you succumb to the beef and beer coma, track down the veterans in your life and thank them for their service. Now, if only we all knew someone we could start with. Perhaps a former Marine. Geez, that sure would be nice. *scratches head, thinks hard* OH YEAH! Thanks, Matt. Get wasted, pig out, and we’ll all see you on Tuesday.
Friday Night Lights (NBC, Friday) – In a perfect world, this show would be #1 in the ratings, “Two and a Half Men” and “Arrested Development” would have inverse popularity, and Britney Spears would still look like this (NSFW-ish).
The Soup Presents: 20 Years of Taking Some E! (E!, Friday) – A special look back at the history of the network. Expect lots of Seacrest jokes. I love Joel McHale, but as a fellow short guy, those sting.
Creepy MurderSex Programs (MSNBC, all weekend) – I love MSNBC. “Dick Cheney is personally responsible for the torture in Abu Ghraib, and should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Torture is a travesty and should never be exploited, no matter the ends. That’s it for our show. Up next, he locked away a harem of 17-year old sex slaves and fed them nothing but shoe leather and toilet water for five years … tune into ‘Underground Sex Torture Box.'”
Lost: Series Finale (ABC, Saturday) – Because Losties are known for their carefree, totally not obsessive viewing of the show, and some might have missed the original showing Sunday night.
Eight-Limbed Baby (TLC, Sunday) – Hold on. There’s only one of them? And it’s normal-sized? Pfft. Come on, TLC. I give this show eight limbs worth of dismissive wanks.
Tosh.0 Marathon (Comedy Central, Sunday 3-9pm) – That’s a lot of terrific, mean-spirited humor.
Mega-Piranha (Syfy, Sunday) – Oh Syfy, never change.
Jersey Shore Marathon (MTV, Sunday) – What better way to honor our fallen soldiers than a full day of of juiced-up guidos punching each other in the face and drunkenly mashing their genitals together. *begins humming “Battle Hymn of the Republic”*
Breaking Bad (AMC, Sunday) – Last time I did the Weekend Preview, someone called me gay for studying for finals instead of catching up on multiple seasons of this show. Still haven’t seen it. So now I must be one of those gays that are like double gay, you know?
True Beauty (ABC, Monday) – The second season premiere of the show where contestants learn they can’t get by based on good looks alone. Brought to you by executive producers Ashton Kutcher and Tyra Banks, whose big breaks as models were based on sharp wit and charity work.
The Bachelorette (ABC, Monday) – You know how dirty you feel when you see a girl who looks and sounds like an adult, but you find out is underage? I bet Roman Polanski felt the same way when he found out baby-faced, squeaky-voiced Ali Fedotowsky is actually 25. She probably gets carded for R-rated movies.