Real Housewives of Miami (Bravo) — Series premiere. Sigh. Miami is one of America’s most culturally rich cities, filled with some of the most beautiful women in the country, so of course Bravo is going to give you six more aging plastic harpies bickering at each other. The formula works, I guess. (See also: the best TV shows set in Miami. Aww, no love for “Miami Social”?)
Glee (Fox) — On the plus side, “Glee” is devoting tonight’s episode to the issue of underage drinking. On the minus side, it will include a cover of Kesha’s aural excrement “Tik Tok.” Recommendation: turn off your TV, put on Tom Waits’s Nighthawks at the Diner, and drink straight whiskey. You’re never drinking alone if you’re listening to Tom Waits.
Onion SportsDome (Comedy Central) — New night, new time. Probably still won’t watch it.
Only in America with Larry the Cable Guy (History) — I can’t explain it, but this show makes me feel ashamed of my degree in American history.
Bizarre Foods (Animal Planet) — Andrew Zimmern eats wildebeest eyeballs in Namibia. Of course, in Namibia, “wildebeest eyeballs” is a euphemism for rhinoceros testicles.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Matthew Perry and The Situation on Conan; Anderson Cooper on “The Daily Show;” Amy Poehler on Letterman; John Waters and Malin Akerman on Ferguson; and Owen Wilson on Leno. Yikes, I hope they take Wilson’s shoelaces away before Leno’s monologue.