The Americans (FX, 10 p.m.) – Last Wednesday — and I want to emphasize here that I am not making this up — a rerun of The Nanny on Nick At Night beat The Americans in the ratings. This is unacceptable. Everyone should be ashamed. (PRODUCTION NOTE: If you want an idea of what this job has done to me, my original draft of this post had a picture of Fran marrying Mr. Sheffield up top, but I opted against it because there was a tiny voice in my head that whispered “I dunno, kind of a spoiler.” I am a sad, broken individual.)
The Tonight Show (NBC, 11:30 p.m.) – Leno’s lead guest tonight is Charlie Sheen, and the musical act is Brad “Accidental Racist” Paisley. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOPE.
Suburgatory/Modern Family (ABC, 8:30 p.m.) – The description of tonight’s Modern Family ends with the phrase “and enlists the whole family in some crazy schemes to seal the deal.” This is presumably accurate, because it is always accurate.
Dog With a Blog (Disney 8:30 p.m.) – On tonight’s episode, Avery makes a movie inspired by Freaky Friday. I sincerely hope Stan — and, again, the dog’s name is Stan — goes online and craps all over it, using GIFs and profanity to make his point.
Psych (USA, 10 p.m.) – I like how I whined about last week’s ratings for The Americans two seconds ago, but I also DVRed it because I was watching Psych instead. I don’t have to prove anything to you people.
Southland (TNT, 10 p.m.) – Cooper and Lucero get kidnapped tonight. Getting kidnapped seems awful. Try to avoid it.
Hoarding: Buried Alive (TLC, 9 p.m.) – From TV Guide: “A Canadian rock-and-roll singer who has accumulated a large collection of souvenirs and memorabilia risks losing his family unless he can part with his clutter.” Please let this be Chad Kroeger.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jason Bateman and Chadwick Boseman on Kimmel; Harrison Ford and Rita Wilson on Letterman; Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Myq Kaplan on Ferguson; Bill Cosby, Ashley Tisdale, and Sandra Lee on Fallon; and Jeremy Piven and Jeremy Wade are on Conan.