Archer (FX) — Miniseries premiere. Tonight marks the beginning of the three-episode miniseries “Heart of Archness,” which I watched last night because I AM AN IMPORTANT TELEVISION BLOGGER AND YOU ARE NOT. Once you accept that fact, you can rest assured that the smartest dirty show on television hasn’t lost a step. Get ready for great guest performances from David Cross and Patrick Warburton (as Rip Riley, left), wild adventures in the South Pacific, and pirates. Lots of pirates.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX) — Season premiere. I’ve watched a lot of “Always Sunny,” but I’ve never seen the show stoop to the filth that comes in the first two episodes this season. Frank’s hair is grosser than ever (an overly long, dyed-black bald mullet), Mac is fat, there’s lots of vomit — and next week’s episode is even more depraved. Pretty impressive. That’s good hustle.
Vampire Diaries (CW) — Season premiere. It’s Elena’s 18th birthday! Guess what the CW got her? A new werewolf in the cast (David Gallagher, “7th Heaven”)! Hooray! More handsome brooding monsters!
The Secret Circle (CW) — Series premiere. Have you seen The Craft? The CW sure hopes not!
LA Ink (TLC) — Series finale. Kat heads to Austin to open up a tattoo parlor with on-again, off-again, and (for now) on-again fiancé Jesse James. I’m sure it’ll work out great. He seems like a good dude.