The 100 (CW, 9:00 p.m.) — Clarke returns to Camp Jaha with unfortunate news and then the survivors vote off a few cast members before the rest have a cooking competition while singing Christmas songs. I’m really just trying to set the tone for the rest of tonight’s lineup, but in all seriousness, this does look like an exciting mid-season finale and it does seem like the stakes are quite high for some of the characters.
White Christmas (AMC, 8:00 p.m.) — Danny Kaye is a national treasure and this movie is a Christmas-time classic that is powerful enough for me to put on a Christmas sweater and suspend my super cool internet cynic persona for a moment to tell you about it.
Survivor (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) — Survivor ends its 108th season with five people fighting for a million dollars and a sack lunch picnic with Jeff Probst. You know what Survivor should do next season to amp up the action a little bit? Add a cannibal. A personable one. A fine young one, if you will. I’d watch that. (Beat the hell out of that joke, didn’t I?)
Michael Buble’s Christmas In New York (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) — I’d much rather watch Robert Goulet’s Old Fashioned Cajun Christmas, but this smattering of syrupy songs with guests like Barbra Streisand, Miss Piggy, and Ariana Grande will have to do. Specifically because there will be a segment where Buble sings songs that were suggested by the internet, and I have a lot of faith in the internet’s ability to make Michael Buble sing “People = Sh*t” in the style of Richard Cheese on a Christmas Special.
WWE Tribute to the Troops (USA, 8:00 p.m.) — Hulk Hogan, Florida Georgia Line, and the hosts of The Today Show are set to appear and hopefully participate in a cage match which will be won by Willie Geist and his powerful legs. The synopsis says that this well-deserved tribute will be “in the tradition of Bob Hope.” I’m gonna just let those last few words linger.
Hell’s Kitchen (FOX, 8:00 p.m.) — One of the contestants CAN stand the heat, so they’re GONNA stay in the kitchen in the two-hour season finale of Hell’s Kitchen. I am a terrible person.
Ascension (Syfy, 9:00 p.m.) — Syfy’s 3-night space series event/seeming burn off comes to an end.
American Horror Story: Freak Show (FX, 10:00 p.m.) — Jimmy denies his guilt for last week’s events and another freak winds up dead.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Michael Keaton on Kimmel; Willie Nelson and Billy Joe Shaver on Letterman; Betty White and Thomas Lennon on Ferguson; Paul McCartney, Tony Bennett, and Lady Gaga on Fallon; Bill O’Reilly and Krysten Ritter on Meyers; Anna Kendrick on The Daily Show; National Book Award winner Phil Klay on the penultimate episode of The Colbert Report; and Jason Schwartzman and Jack O’Connell on Conan.