Burn Notice (USA) – The fall premiere of USA’s biggest dramatic draw. I didn’t look at the episode description, but I imagine it will break down like this: “Who burned me?” “Hey, you need help. I can do this accent.” [Insert Bruce Campbell one liner.] “Aw, MOM! Quit it!” [Fiona beats up someone twice her size while not wearing a bra.] BANGBOOMBANG. “Seriously you guys, who burned me?” Roll credits.
Community (NBC) – From TV Guide, “Everyone’s a suspect when Annie’s favorite pen goes missing, so the group lock themselves in until the thief is found.” Hey, I’ve got a pen she can use right here (*reaches into pocket, produces Pilot Dr. Grip pen*).
30 Rock (NBC) – John Slattery (Roger Sterling from “Mad Men”) guests stars as a congressional candidate. Poor guy, always getting typecast as sleazy, well-dressed man-whores. Wait, did I say “poor guy”? I meant “lucky sumbitch.”
It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX) – The gang’s previously alluded to production of Lethal Weapon 5 is presented. Excitement levels are running dangerously high for this episode
A Few Good Men (AMC) – I only mention this to direct you to KSK, where Matt discussed tracking down someone who tried to get him fired from Warming Glow by sending a bitchy Tweet to the Uproxx account. I imagine the conversation going something like the “You can’t handle the truth” speech Nicholson gives in the movie. “Son, we live in a world that has blogs, and those blogs have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it. YOU?! You, Lt. VinceFromFilmDrunk?!” (video after the jump)
Note: An earlier draft of this featured me mocking up the entire speech. I was incredibly proud of it, but it was a little too long to fit in properly. Kinda like my junk. Ladies…