New Girl (Fox, 9 p.m.) — CARLA GUGINO ALERT. I REPEAT. CARLA GUGINO ALERT. She’ll play Max’s corporate boss with whom Max gets into a sadomasochistic sexual relationship. I’M NOT EVEN JOKING. It’s going to be a good night of television, y’all.
Sons of Anarchy (FX, 10 p.m.) — Th penultimate episode of the fifth season is 90 minutes of shark-jumping, off-the-rails bat-sh*ttery, but through the mess that Sons of Anarchy has become this season, the one thing you can never say is that the show is boring. BRING BACK VENUS VAN DAMME. Check back tomorrow for the SoA discussion, and for the eligible commenters, learn how to get your UPROXX T-shirt.
Raising Hope (Fox, 8 p.m.) — If Raising Hope’s flashback episodes are to be believed, poor Jimmy has zero memory of his childhood. Last season, he learned that he was a musical prodigy, and tonight, Jimmy learns that he was briefly given up for adoption. Sabrina helps him reconnect with his adopted family. TROPE SUBVERSION.
Happy Endings (ABC, 9 p.m.) — The great thing about Happy Endings is that the show splits the six people up into groups of two to keep things fresh each week, but the Max and Brad pairings are always the best. Tonight, folks, it’s a Max and Brad night. They’re teaming up as bar mitzvah hosts.
Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23 (ABC, 9:30 p.m.) — Tonight, Chloe lobbies People magazine to make James Van Der Beek the sexiest man of the year. Oh, Beeks: Don’t ever stop being you.
LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Julianna Margulies and Mumford and Sons are on Letterman; Leno has Keira Knightley; Christina Applegate is on Kimmel; Toby Keith is on Ferguson; Sally Field is on Fallon to promote Lincoln, Jason Sudeikis does The Daily Show, and Newt Gingrich will be on The Colbert Report.