Dallas (TNT) — Did anyone realize that the original “Dallas” ran all the way up until 1991? This continuation picks up 20 years later, with Larry Hagman and Patrick Duffy reprising their roles as new family rivalries surface over secret oil drilling. Brenda Strong is in this, who you may remember as Sue Ellen Mischke on “Seinfeld” and Sally on “Sports Night.” That’s all I got. It’s summer, and there’s another 12 more weeks of Wednesdays in which I’m going to need to thin of something to say about this goddamn show.
Duets (ABC) — I haven’t seen “Duets” yet because “Duets” is a singing competition, and I don’t like singing competitions, and I don’t want to have to admit that I don’t like something that stars John Legend because John Legend is awesome. See Also: Ben Folds, “Sing Off.”
Top 100 Hooks (Fuse) — Unfortunately, this is not a show about the world’s best prostitutes, it’s about “tunes with the top beats and riffs.” “Sweet Child O’ Mine” or GTFO.
Royal Pains/Necessary Roughness (USA Network) — It really is the dark days of summer when these are probably the best scripted programming options you have tonight. At least “Suits” returns tomorrow night.
Celebrities at Home (HGTV) — Tonight’s episodes a look inside the home of Paula Deen. SPOILER: Her house is made of Crisco and lies. (UPDATE – This is on tomorrow night. You are very welcome for the 24-hour notice.)
LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Adam Sandler will be BOBBITTY-BOOing on Letterman; Jay Leno will meet his match in the obnoxious department when Terry Bradshaw drops by; Ed Norton is on Kimmel to not talk about The Hulk; Ellen Page (where did she go?) is on Ferguson; Lena Dunham drops by Fallon; and Maggie Gyllenhaal will stop by “The Daily Show” to talk about her vibrator comedy, Hysteria.
