Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC) — Summer finale. TLC’s study in terrible parenting features future sex tape star Eden Wood going for a crown at Kentucky’s “Rumble in the Jungle,” possibly the least accurate title for a toddler beauty pageant. (P.S. Did you know Eden has her own website? It’s like time-traveling back to Geocities.)
Primetime Nightline: Celebrity Secrets (ABC) — The child stars theme continues with this examination of child stars that features the “don’t be like me” insight of Corey Feldman. Parents, don’t let your children grow up to be Danny Masterson.
So You Think You Can Dance (Fox) — It’s the last chance for the four finalists to perform before tomorrow night’s finale. Melanie, Sasha, Marko, and Tadd will have to impress guest judges Katie Holmes and Kenny Ortega (inset), expert scarf-wearer and the director the High School Musical series. I bet that dude gets ALL the women.
Roseanne’s Nuts (Lifetime) — Roseanna is joined by Phyllis Diller and Sandra Bernhard for a girls’ night out and what I imagine will be the sexiest half-hour of television all summer.
Jon Benjamin Has a Van (Comedy Central) — Season finale. Bob Odenkirk and Metallica guitarist Kirk Hammett appear on what I assume will be this show’s final episode.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Joel McHale on Leno; Jesse Eisenberg and Jerry Springer on Kimmel; Aziz Ansari and the Situation on Conan; and Snooki and Joe Buck on Fallon. Ooohhh, I hope that’s the beginning of an elaborate plan for a double homicide.