L.A. Ink (TLC) — In an unsurprising but still despicable move, TLC has force-fed “Rock of Love” cast-off Aubry Fisher (this girl — woof) into the cast, and she apparently makes the show terrible. And yet… Kat Von D. RAWR. I don’t want to be attracted to her, but I am powerless to resist her charms. What can I say, I was molested as a child by the Painted Lady at the carnival.
Big Brother (CBS) — Wow, here’s proof that I don’t watch CBS: this is the premiere for the ELEVENTH iteration of this show. I think I’ve seen maybe three-quarters of an episode once. Anyway, this is the one with nerds versus jocks versus freaks or whatever. Yawn.
PitchMen (Discovery) — It’s a tribute to Billy Mays tonight, with interviews and special footage of the deceased pitchman. **pours out OxiClean**
Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Lost Footage (Bravo) — Yes, the season ended. Yes, Bravo aired an hour-long “director’s cut” of a single table-flipping scene. Yes, there was a two-part reunion to talk about the season. But this is previously unaired footage! This is everything that wasn’t good enough to be in the actual episodes! Thanks, Bravo!
Samantha Who? (CBS) — Back-to-back new episodes. I guess I should watch this one of these days so I can tell you whether it’s worth your time or not, but why should I take the hit for you? Kill your own brain cells; I need mine.
Burn Notice (USA) — There should be a federal law requiring at least one hour-long action/drama be set in Miami at all times. We’ve got “Burn Notice” and “CSI: Miami.” Our cup runneth over, America.