King of the Crown (TLC) — Series premiere. Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen South Carolina 2007, returns to TV in this reality series about Cy Frakes, a beauty pageant consultant who in this episode will try to rehabilitate Upton’s image. Uh, dude, she already did a Web Redemption with Daniel Tosh.
The Middle (ABC) — Series premiere. Patricia Heaton’s new comedy will have the benefit of not sucking as hard as “Hank.”
Mercy (NBC) — I watched most of the premiere last week. It’s not without some good angles (the central character has issues stemming from her service in Iraq; dark humor about her family’s alcoholism), but it’s riddled with one-dimensional characters and tiresome cliches. The sassy nurse knows better than the jerk doctor! The new nurse is naive! The troubled veteran blows up at others who couldn’t handle what she saw! Woof.
Modern Family (ABC) — 9:00 p.m. Eastern. I’ll be watching to determine if I like this better than “Community” for the fall’s best new sitcom.
Glee (Fox) — Kristen Chenoweth guest stars. Ordinarily, a woman being 40 years old, 4’11” and talking like a munchkin aren’t turn-ons for me, but it’s crazy the way a big rack and a gorgeous singing voice can change my mind.
Alone in the Wild (NatGeo) — Ed Warder returns from a planned three-month stay in the Yukon wild after only 50 days. What a pussy.
Real World/Road Rules Challenge (MTV) — Season premiere. The assembled idiot tards compete in Thailand. I might watch this if the losers got sold into sex slavery to Thai businessmen.
The Daily Show (Comedy Central) — Author Jon Krakauer discusses his new book about Pat Tillman. Krakauer’s awesome. Into Thin Air is as good as first-person journalism gets, and he’s also why I hate Mormons.