2012 Olympics (NBC) — Tonight, NBC will give you the privilege of watching — on tape delay — men dive off of really high planks in sync with one another! All I’m saying is: It’s a good thing we don’t pay for NBC.
Dallas (TNT) — Larry Hagman’s eyebrows have escaped. I REPEAT. Larry Hagman’s eyebrows have escaped. Please remain inside with your doors locked until further instructions have been provided. If you see Larry Hagman’s eyebrows, do not attempt to apprehend them. This has been a public service message from UPROXX.
Futurama (Comedy Central) — In tonight’s episode of Futurama, Fry gets involved in a sausage-making accident. I got nothing.
Conan the Barbarian and Immortals (Netflix) — If you’re looking for a night full of shirtless dudes wielding swords, these two movies have recently been added to Netflix, and I’d recommend them both for different reasons. Conan is one of the best awesomely bad movies in recent memory (you’ll laugh twice as hard knowing it had a $90 million budget) and features a scene in which Ron Perlman sticks his hand into his dying wife’s vagina and pulls out baby Conan. Meanwhile, Immortals is so gorgeous to look at (especially the violence) that the empty plot is almost beside the point. Plus, it’s some good exposure to Henry Cavill, the next Man of Steel.
Contagion (HBO) — I totally dug this Steven Soderbergh flick (with Matt Damon, Kate Winslet and Jude Law), but never quite figured out how a movie in which most of the planet dies gruesome deaths could do so well at the box office. But then again, Gwyneth is the first to go, and that alone was worth the $12.
LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Looks like Craig Ferguson is the only network late night show in first runs, and he has Selma Blair. Meanwhile, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert have Fred Guterl and John Grunsfeld, respectively. No, I don’t know who they are, either.